Mother Dear

I have an awful relationship with my mother. No matter how hard I try to repair it, it's impossible. She gets me so angry with everything she does. And the pain she gave me when she left me will more than likely never go away. It's an emotional baggage that I carry with me in every aspect and relationship of my life. It's the biggest reason that I don't trust people. It's a huge part of why I don't think I'm worth anything. It's a very essential reason why when someone does anything to somehow get out of my life, I shut myself down and build a fortress around myself that they can't get through. It's an open wound that so many people in my life keep attacking. And then they get upset when I don't "forgive them". But that's another subject in itself.

I can't always control my emotions when I'm with my mom. I get blinded by the hurt and anger she makes me feel. I say things that I shouldn't. I think things that are even worse. I become someone that I really am not. Maybe in a certain way, I become her.

I do not hate my mother. Maybe that would be easier. My problem is that I love my mom so very much. Even at 21 I do so much to make her happy. Or at least attempt to. I allow her to run over me and use me in any way she can. I give her money when I have none to give. I give her my time. I raise her children. I feed them. I buy them what they need. I drive them places. At the age of barely 5 years old I changed my sister's diapers and took her baths and held her when she cried. Then 3 years later she ripped her out of my life and I didn't hear a single thing from them for a year. Not one word. No happy birthday, no merry Christmas. Nothing. But when my dad drove me the 8 hours to AZ to see my mom and sister again I still longed for both of them. My nine year old self thought that things would be better. They thought that the emptiness I felt would go away. But I was so wrong.

My mom is the most selfish person that I know. I don't understand why she does the things she does. I don't understand why she says certain things. It doesn't make sense at all. But I'm tired of her making me feel like this. I'm tired of her.

Dammit I need to talk to Erin.