There was a whole lot of hate going on last night for me. Not against anyone. No, that is never the case. My hate has always been simple. I hate the person who looks back at me in the mirror every day. In fact, I do my best to only look when I absolutely have to.
But at about 1:10 AM I realized something. Something that everyone else already knew and I just ignored for reasons I am not aware of. Maybe it was because I simply didn't want to. I didn't want to feel guilty about another thing in my life. So I convinced myself that I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. But that does such and injustice to the handful of people who really love me. That disregards the love and friendship that Chris, Erin, Jacob, Jamie, Michael and anyone else has given me. It was me (unintentionally) saying screw you. What I do has nothing to do with you. But that was a lie. Because what I do does have to do with them. By loving me and being my friend they compromise their feelings and emotions on my behalf. Just as they are never alone in anything they feel because they have me, I'm not alone in anything I feel because I have them.
I don't like myself. But I need to realize that you all do. In fact, you love me and think rather highly of me. I'm being rude and selfish by not truly accepting those facts and I sincerely apologize. Jamie, for eight years of ignorance. Chris, for six years of stupidity. Erin and Jacob, for over two years of selfishness. Michael, for over a year of nonacceptance. And to all others who love me, I am sorry. Truly.
You may not always see it, but I grow stronger every day. In most part, because I have all of you.
I know you are growing stronger. I feel like every day presents a special challenge to you Steph and really? The fact that you hold yourself up long enough to get through another one is a huge accomplishment. I'm not trying to say I think your life is miserable because I don't. You are blessed and you know that.
ReplyDeleteThank you for trying a bit to see what we see in you. It's hard, I know, to love you for who you are. Heck, I have a seriously difficult time accepting myself for what I look like and feel like but that's normal. So normal.
We are human beings and that makes us weak. But those of us who recognize our eternal worth need to be able to work above and beyond our personal weaknesses.
I love you.