I love Christmas. I love the music, I love the lights. I love decorating and wrapping gifts. I'll wear a Santa hat out in public and be in complete bliss. I love the season of Advent. I love the color purple. I love the readings filled with proclamations of "Staying awake". I love the anticipation. I love my Savior and celebrating His birth. I love Midnight mass. I loved my church filled incense. I love all of it. It's the most wonderful time of the year.
But this year I wish Christmas wouldn't come. I want to take all the lights off the house. I want to stop the music from playing. I want to put away the tree. I want time to stop. Rewind even. But allow me to keep on going. Allow me to figure things out. Allow me to do something.
I sat on the floor of my best friend's room as she walked around and got ready. My head was killing me and I was holding back tears. But it quickly dawned on me that it wasn't just the pain that made me want to cry. It's the fact that this beautiful woman who I adore so much won't be getting anything from me for Christmas. At least nothing significant. Erin has done more for me in a single month than most people who I have known for years have combined. And it isn't like Erin just suddenly became my friend. No every day that I've known her she has blessed me in some way. She's the most amazing person to me. And I have no resources to give her anything back in return. Sure, she has my undying love and impossible-to-break friendship but she deserves so much more. And as I constantly struggle to describe what she means to me I fail each time. I just wish I could give her back even the smallest amount of joy that she gives me. She won't even be here for Christmas. In just a few short days she will be half a world away and I have nothing to give.
It isn't just Erin, of course. My boyfriend who I immensely love spoiling I can't. Every year at least $500 is spent on him. I do my best to get him whatever he wants and he has such a expensive taste for technology. He keeps talking about this phone he wants and although I know he isn't directing it at me, I want to cry each time he mentions it. I can't get it for him. I want to more than anything, but I can't.
Jacob is the man that I am in love with just slightly less than my boyfriend. He's more wonderful than I can describe and I am so glad that he's going to be the one who will forever take care of best friend. I don't even have the slightest clue as to what I would get him but the fact still remains that I can't get him anything either. I can't get my family anything. I can't get Jamie anything. I can't get Michael, or April, or Katrina, or Jeremy, or Thea and Vinny or Bryan or anyone. I can't get Chris' parents anything. I have nothing to offer anyone.
I know Christmas isn't about presents. I know that most everyone I mentioned isn't going to really care. But I can't just be okay with that. I can't just be fine with not getting anyone anything. And I feel even worse because I know that this year I'll have at least one gift from someone. I don't want anything. I just want to be able to give.
God is doing something. I don't know what. But trust Him. Maybe more than anything-this year, he wants you to focus on Christmas, what it really is. because ALL OF US focus on the materialistic aspect of it. Even if we're not materialistic. It still is practically a neccessity to buy someone a present but that's not what Christmas is about, and maybe this year, Jesus just wants you to be focused on HIM-only Him.
ReplyDelete----I don't know though, so that's my two cents.
and Steph, you give me as much joy as I give you, whether you decide to believe it or not :D
You give your heart.
ReplyDeleteYou give your thoughts.
You give your time.
You give your love.
You give your attention.
You give your talents.
You give your words.
You give your life.
Steph if this is a good enough gift for Jesus it's good enough for all of us. Love.
Stephanie you have given me so much more than i deserve. You are a gift in yourself.
ReplyDelete