New Year

A little over a year ago I began this blog. My first post was Dec 19th, 2009. My second one was on New Year's Eve. I remember writing both and exactly how I felt while writing them. I remember being so hopeful for 2010. Wanting so many things to happen. Even believing that some of them will. But 2010 was a big disappointment to me. Really probably the worst year of my life. Which makes me sad because well, 10 is my favorite number.

I lost a lot of things in 2010. I lost a dear friend in a horrible accident. I lost certain dreams, lost certain hopes. I lost more faith in myself. I lost my mind a little bit more. I lost trust for a friend that meant so much to me. I lost connection with people I cared about. I lost a job and a whole lot of money. I lost motivation. I lost interest. I lost pieces of who I am.

Now looking at all the negative is an easy thing for me to do. But I know how far that will get me. Although this year was extremely difficult and heartbreaking, it had many good moments as well. Moments that I'm grateful for. Things that kept me going.

First of all I need to mention the number one thing that kept me going and that's my faith. My faith in God and His Church. They're the most beautiful things in my life and the only things I know that I can completely and confidently trust without the fear of being hurt. Being Catholic is the greatest gift I've even been given. A gift that somewhat ironically, I gave myself. I chose this faith. This year despite everything my faith in God grew stronger. My love for all things Catholic continues to grow every day. And with this strength and desire I also realized something else this year. I realized what my place should be in the Church. I realized that my overwhelming desire to serve belongs in youth ministry. The pure joy that those teenagers give me is irreplaceable.

Secondly I need to mention Chris. This year was by far our toughest. In so many ways. But my love for him has never stopped growing and my desire to be his grows at the same pace. He is my rock and my very best friend. This year made me realize even more how much he does love me. It made me realize the strength we both have to get through anything together. He still gives me hope.

Erin and Jacob. I seriously doubt you two really know how much you mean to me. Erin you light up my day without failing. I love being with you and I find it a little insane on my part how I want to spend more time with you. You make me laugh and smile and I feel at ease when I'm with you. As though I don't need to guard myself. That's both frightening and relieving at the same time. Eventually I'll stop saying it so much but it's as though when I do, it heals me a bit more: You're my best friend and I adore you. Jacob, I am so comfortable with you it's a little funny. You help me so much by the kind advice you give me and the ability you have to make me feel cared for. Despite the secret love affair I have with you and though it may sound weird with those words preceding it, you're like a brother to me. I love you and am so thankful you're in my life.

Jamie, another year has passed in our friendship. We're going on 9 years and that amazes me. It doesn't matter that we don't talk all the time or see each other. Although it would be nice, our friendship is something special because I don't consider the distance to weaken it. You'll always be my hero and so beautiful to me. I love you.

I don't know what to expect out of 2011. Most of me is going into the year not expecting anything. I prefer it that way so I don't get disappointed. I do know that 2011 will present more challenges for me. With the financial situation of my parents getting worse and my stepdad not being able to find a job I sense a move to another state. I wont be going with them though. Which means I'll have to find a place to live. But I'll have to handle that when it comes. As for now I'm just praying that tomorrow when I wake up and the calendar changes I have 365 days to start new. Days that I pray I'll take more advantage of.

Happy New Years.