I cried hard for a good amount of time into my boyfriend's arms. He just held me and kissed my head while I blubbered to him and released this overwhelming tension I held inside of me. After I was done I could breathe. I hadn't realized it but I had been holding my breath for a very long time. Weeks maybe. Crying to him was what I needed and he did a wonderful job of not trying to fix any of my problems. He just listened and told me he loved me. He's perfect.
I, on the other hand, am more messed up than I ever realized. If you were to closely examine my heart and soul you would probably be horrified. It's held together my stitches of scars and bruises. My heart barely beats and my soul is huddled in a corner too terrified to come out. I'm a heavy weight fighter who has gone too many rounds and is on their last rope. Still standing but barely hanging on. I'm no longer throwing punches. All I do is hold my arms tightly against my body, my fists covering my face. I'm doing my best to block every hit and just wait for the bell to ring because I know the next hit that lands on my body will be the knockout punch.
What I'm asking from everyone isn't fair. What I absolutely need from a few select people is so completely pathetic. People should not have to constantly prove their love to me. I should not need this kind of reassurance. But I do. I need to know where my worth lies in your eyes, and in yours. I need to know why you take time to talk to me. I need to know who I am to you and if I have ever made a difference. I need to know if you plan on leaving. I need to know if I'm going to get a phone call, a text, a letter saying that you don't want me anymore. I need to know if one day you're just going to disappear.
I don't know how to heal. My wounds lie so deep. My past dictates my thoughts and emotions. I don't know how to let go of this fear. How am I supposed to trust anyone when all I've experienced is broken promises? I hate living this way. I really do. I'm so messed up. I need help. This is me begging for it. Please.
I'm on my knees. Don't be the one to throw that punch.
Stephanie the only thing I have ever wished for to be more of a help to u in your time of need. You are an amazing friend and have helped me even when I didn't and still don't deserve any kindles. No matter what I know that no matter who may turn their back on me or turn against me I will always see your hand extended to offer me some sort of comfort. Whether listening to what I have to say or just being there when I cry. I know trust is a hard thing but no matter what always know that I love you and am always here.
ReplyDelete