Forever Memories

There's this complete rush I get when my lungs tighten up and my legs want to quit but I keep on pushing. I love how much I can push myself. Maybe because it's a little dangerous and I get high off the control I feel like I have. It's a little similar to driving and my absolute need to speed. Except running causes a sort of healthy pain that I need. I want to feel alive and hearing my heart beat in my ears and feeling my breathing getting heavier does that. I got a little sick tonight though. That either means I pushed too much or I need to run more. I think I'll settle with the latter.

While I was running I could feel the hair come out of my pony tail a little. My hair is considerably shorter than before and the shortest layers put up a bit of a fight. It wasn't really bothering me but I had a quick thought about a sweatband. At that thought I felt myself running faster, as though my legs could carry me away from my thoughts. It's impossible though. I'm stuck with me and that includes my messed up emotions and thoughts. Twenty one years have made me tolerate myself fairly well. But sometimes it gets too much.

We sat at the kitchen table just talking about nothing. That's one of those things that was so nice about being with her. We could talk about everything and anything and never get bored. When I spoke I knew she was listening. As though for the first time in my life someone really cared about what I had to say. Being with her made me smile because I believed in forever with her. I thought that I could never lose a friendship like this. There was a box of cereal on the table and Diana began reading the back. In a section of the box there was this little paragraph that talked about how to have a healthy life. In so many words it basically said that you should eat breakfast and go on a daily morning or evening walks. Brisk walks. So Diana being Diana grabbed two bowls, poured the cereal and told me to eat. We ate together and when we were done what did we do? Went on a brisk walk of course! I'm pretty sure I can remember the clothes we were wearing. The way her street curved and the funny way Diana was "walking briskly". She told me when we were old ladies we would still do this. Except in bright jumpsuits with matching sweatbands. And during the days we would sit on the front porch together drinking lemonade with giant hats with fruit in them. Real fruit mind you. None of this fake stuff. Just in case you know, one of us got hungry. I believed her you know. With my whole heart. Other than God, I've never had as much faith in anything as I did our friendship. She would never leave me and I never her. It was impossible. I hate being wrong sometimes.

Things happen for a reason. I do believe that. I don't know or understand the reasons and maybe that's the real issue here. I don't know what was wrong with me. I don't know what I did. I don't understand the idea of people walking away from me. When Diana did I snapped. Because even with the whole thing with my mom, I still had some sort of hope. Some faith in people. When Diana called me that night I lost everything. Forever is, deep down inside, something I'm not sure the rest of the world can live up to. Not in regards to me. I have a defect of some sort. I'll always be here for you, really. If Diana called me right now and said she needed me to fly to her in what, Oklahoma? Is that where she lives? I don't even know. But if she did, I would do it without question. My friendship and my love do not have conditions. They are not circumstantial. I'm in things for life. That's just who I am, and I'm proud of that. I won't walk out on you.

I'm not sure where I'm even going with this. Even though it still causes me an unreasonable amount of pain I don't dislike that I have these sort of thoughts. I don't want to forget her. Not that I could. I mean really. Between "palm tree" and "sweatbands" I get flooded with so many things. Maybe that is the forever she gave me though. A forever memory. She was the answer to my prayers and helped me be the person I am. Part of me will always miss her but I think some of that has to do with the fact that I'm way too sentimental.

Besides, my life is filled with people who do love me. Although I live with this fear of them leaving, I honestly cherish every single day I have with them. Especially a very special person that has been a complete angel in my life. A person that broke through walls I didn't want broken. A person who is in no way whatsoever a replacement or some sort of fix. No a person who simply is beautiful in every way and means more to me than the human language could adequately express. I could never say that I'm not blessed.