I'm a bit of a mess. Not that this is any new news but the severity of my problems keep getting worse. It's as though every day I get more and more emotionally unstable. And I'm crying way too much. Little things trigger it. I mean come on, Erin said the word "palm tree" and my thoughts spiraled out of control. I had these vivid flashbacks and I freaked out. I held my composure the best I could but it was painfully obvious that I was distressed. Then when I left her house and got in my truck and called Chris I fell apart even more. Tears just kept coming and I couldn't even truly explain why.
Part of my craziness yesterday was because I am so tired. This weekend was exhausting and I know pretty much for a fact that I was under some kind of spiritual attack. God is amazingly good though and He carried me through the process and allowed His children to affirm me in ways that I can't describe. But it still took a toll on me. Another reason is that I have so much to say right now. There's way too many thoughts and emotions inside of me. I need to let so much go but it's difficult to. There's only so much I can say to any given person. I could blog on this for hours but I just don't have the time. Yet I need something. How many times do I have to express that I'm in an ocean of worry, regret, fear and utmost despair and without having the ability to swim? I just can't stop myself from drowning.
And then there's this problem. Right here I'm blogging. Class doesn't start for an hour and I need so desperately to unload anything. But I can't. And this isn't some sort of writer's block. It's not like I don't have the words to say it. To describe myself even. The problem is that there is too much. Where can I even start? And on how many different subjects should I relate to? My mind is on overdrive. So much more than it constantly always is. I keep getting sick because I'm so stressed out. But what can I do? What can anyone do?
I'm so very tired.
Just relax. I know it may seem like stupid advice or just plainridiculous. But take life one day at a time. The Devil thrives off fear. Stop worrying about tomorrow and focus on today tackle each days problems as they are presented to you. Do not worry yourself with things from the past that cannot be changed. God always provides a way out and i am always praying for you Stephanie. You are tired and need rest that is apparent. But if you try to take everything on at once the world will look like an ocean and you will start to drown. But if you isolate your problems and handle them one at a time then things arent so scary. I love you stephanie and if you need someone to talk to i am always here.
ReplyDeleteYou've got to learn calming techniques Steph. You can't expect to live a fulfilling and enriching life if you don't prepare yourself for it.
ReplyDeleteSmile when you're disappointed, chin up when you want to cry.
To be honest you will never live a life without exhaustion, frustration and anger. You won't. So don't wallow in it now - learn while you're still young to deal with these emotions in a healthy way that bring some sort of closure to you.
Try yoga. Emotional/Mental distress can be managed if not released through physical actions. You tend to develop stress in your shoulders. (I remember) Ask someone to massage them - if only for a moment. Breathe deeply. Go into Child's Pose if necessary.
And also try to remember you're a girl. It's really crappy but we are emotional creatures. We must have some sort of release from pent-up rage on a regular basis. Why do you say you have so many words and no time to write them? Carry around a little notebook. Mark the date on any new entry and write down whatever. A prayer. A quote. Your anger. Whether it is a 5 letter entry or a 5 page one, it will help. Add to it when you have time. A scribble will do!
You have options my dear. I know how crappy college is. I did it, remember? You'll be okay. Just chill out or you'll end up keeling over and of no use to anyone. :)
Love.