Ramble

I'm one of those people that keeps things in for a very long time and then I break. I'm pretty much breaking and I'm pretty much terribly misunderstood. I am not stressed because I'm failing to face one problem at a time. I'm not overwhelmed a tiny bit about school. School is easy and no one could experience everything I'm experiencing, and be put on this sort of time limit and take one thing at a time. If they did well, they'd fail horribly. I can't afford to fail. There are so many more things going on than anyone knows. And I'm not angry that I'm misunderstood. I'm actually not angry at anything at all. Anger is an emotion that I rarely feel. I get frustrated, sure. But angry? No. My heart goes to other emotions.

I have never thought life would be easy. I know that there are so many people who have gone through more than I have. I know that I have things better than some. But I also know that I have suffered more than many. I have experienced things that not everyone experiences. And I have never been allowed to be a kid. That's my life though and I'm okay with that. I used to plan foolishly for the future because I was trying desperately to run away from my past and I was pained by my present. I don't do that anymore. I think about the future yes, but I don't plan. I don't set goals and run after them. Because every real goal I've ever set I've accomplished but it didn't change anything. In fact it made me more lonely because all those goals had something to do with one person or another and all those people decided that I wasn't worth it.

This blog has no point. And I'm not looking for advice. Because no one gives me credit. No one looks at me and sees how far I've come they just seem me still hurting. Still complaining. Still stuck in the same place. But no one knows me like they should. No one really even takes the time. And I'm not saying this to hurt anyone or to devalue any relationship I have with anyone. But it's the truth. I know I'm loved. Especially by Chris and Erin. Chris would do absolutely anything for me and Erin is my best friend. But even they don't really get it. And maybe they're not supposed to. I'm certainly not asking anything more from them either. Or anyone else for that matter. I'm just spitting out words and trying to make a little bit of sense.

I can't stop crying. Since Sunday night I've cried almost nonstop. On the retreat I cried in the bathroom for about 5 minutes and then composed myself and continued on. That night I cried myself to sleep. Monday I cried while I drove home, and I'm pretty sure Michael didn't notice. Then I cried with Erin. Twice. Though I teared up more than that. I cried like a baby when I left her house and was talking to Chris. I cried more when I got home. I cried myself to sleep that night too. I cried while I drove to the lightrail on Tuesday morning. I cried during my break between classes. I cried while watching TV. I cried after Chris went home. I cried myself to sleep again. When I woke up this morning I cried. I cried from 9am-12pm without stopping in my room. I cried at Olive Garden with Chris. I cried when we came back home and he fell asleep. I cried in WalMart. I'm crying now.

(If you're reading this don't take what I'm about to say as me being suicidal. I won't do anything, really.) I don't want to live. I hurt too much. I keep wanting to run into the bathroom and grab my razor blade and just lash out. I want to take a shower and put the water on as hot as it can go. I want to get a match, light it and drop it on my skin and let it burn itself out. I want to punch myself over and over again. I want to crash my truck into a wall. I want to do anything other than feel what I feel right now.

I want to be hugged. Held and not let go for a very long time. I need a human connection. A true and real one. I need someone to hold my hand and let me cry. Don't ask any questions right now. Just be with me.