Irresponsibility

In kindergarten my teacher had a parent teacher conference with my parents. She sat them down and told them that I only had one problem. I was too mature for my age. Sometimes I wonder if that information went into my mom's brain and she decided to exploit it even more. At the end of that year we had "awards" presented to us. Class Clown, etc. What did I get? Most Responsible.

There's an ongoing nature vs. nurture debate in the psychology world. I'm a firm believer that they both contribute. However I side with nurture every time. My discipline is in social psych, and so maybe that's why I'm biased. But I can guarantee you that my responsibility was not some inherent trait I was born with. I couldn't have possibly gotten it from my parents. No, I am a victim of my environment. Much like I believe we all are.

My house right now is cluttered with boxes. There is no food in the house. My mom complains every day about something regarding money. As each day passes my time to leave this house approaches closer. I keep getting little reminders how I need to leave. Yet last night my mom and idiot stepdad come home a little past 11pm. My mom is drunk and by my stepdad's face I know they went to the casino. I asked my mom if she's going to work in the morning and she said she called out. Right now she's at the mall and going to get her hair done. I know for a fact that she didn't win anything yesterday. But whatever, right? She just wants to sign over papers and give my sister to me. And you don't see my dad jumping up and objecting. He's too drunk half the time and has too many girlfriends to keep track off to worry about his children. I'm all grown up and the way everyone sees it, Marisa has me. Anthony is okay because he's my mom's baby and my stepdad does one thing right and cares for him. But even then I do so much for my brother.

I'm 21 and I have no right to ask for my parent's help. Not that I've ever asked for their help anyway. For my 10th birthday I got a 50 dollar bill. My mom said she'd hold onto it so I wouldn't lose it. I never got it back. Since I got my first job at 16 I've been giving my parents money. I pay for their bills. I do whatever I can to help. Right now though I don't have a job. I give what I can but it's a really big struggle. Especially because I'm trying so hard to save so I can leave and get an apartment, but every day my mom comes at me and asks if I have money to give. I'm stuck. And then Marisa needs things. She needs food, she needs school supplies. But how am I supposed to do all of this?

Sometimes I want to be irresponsible. I want to say screw it and do something crazy. I want to blow money on something. I want to go out of town and not tell a soul that I'm leaving. I want to buy something for myself and not feel so guilty that I cry. But that isn't who I am. I don't run away from my responsibility. I'll take it. I'll carry the whole world on my shoulders if I have to. But sometimes, just for a second or two, I wish someone could carry me.