I sat there in the cold on a swing set. Tears freely slid down my face. I felt panicked. As though I knew what I would do before I even thought it. My hand grabbed frantically for my phone needing desperately to connect with someone. Erin comes to mind first but I realize she hadn't replied to my previous text. So I scroll down and find Jacob's name. Text sent.
Within two texts I realize he's with Erin. Erin then proceeds to text me. I feel a twinge of guilt because I have this feeling that she isn't texting me because she has this overwhelming desire to. She wants to see if I'm okay. How can I describe that I'm not? In a detail that would make her feel as though she needs to rush to my side? No. I rather just keep it simple and let her enjoy time with her boyfriend.
But I shouldn't be alone.
The cold is too much. Living in Arizona has made me a wimp. I head home and sit in my mom's empty room. She's at the casino. Again. Erin gives me the green light to text her til 930 so I take it. But I'm careful about my words. Am I lying to my best friend? Maybe in a way. Though that isn't my intention. I just don't want to be a burden.
It's a little past 930. Erin has to go. The moment comes. I can't stop it anymore. My thoughts begin to blur. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. I send a text to Michael but I realize it's too late. I can't get pulled out. I have no strength. I get up. I try to pray. But the tears in my eyes burn too much. My heart feels too heavy.
I knew I shouldn't be alone.
I find a knife and matches in the same drawer. I sit against the door to make sure it can't be opened. I slide my pants down and get to work. Matches first, knife second. That old familiar sting.
I had done so well. Fighting the daily temptation that I've lived with for 9 years.
But tonight I lost.
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