I Love You.

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. Not the romantic kind. The pure, beautiful and unconditional love that we all deserve. That we all desperately seek and long for. The love Christ has for us. Last night I was talking to my teens about this. They struggled to describe what they were really, and deeply hungry for. They struggled to grasp the word "adore". And so I let my passion flow through my words. I'm not saying what I said was profound, or meaningful, but it was heartfelt. I need them to understand what love is. Who love is. And how they're called to love perfectly in return.

But what a monumental task is that? What a monumental task is that for everyone? To love without judging. To love without reason. To love despite every human flaw each and every one of us has. To love purely. To love even when we're hurt and broken. To love beyond all things. Love is hard and it is a decision. A decision that we daily need to make. But is anything more important? Is anything worth more than love?

The first time I truly experienced love it was through three friends. Jamie, Diana, and Erin M. Yesterday night in my new apartment, surrounded by nearly all the most important people in my life, I went through the box that about a month ago broke me to pieces. I never went through it completely. I couldn't. So last night I did in order to know if there was anything in there that I wanted not hidden away. Looking through it hurt, but not nearly as much. Not even close. My pain is healing. The gaping hole in my chest is slowly being filled. But that isn't the point. I read through letters from Diana and Erin and they said basically the same thing. Diana's more but they were filled with love. Filled with things that for a few years kept me going. Gave me purpose. But Diana and Erin are gone now. Diana left abruptly. Erin just slowly faded and I'm left to ask myself what kind of love was that? Love of circumstances? I do not deny that when they wrote those words they didn't mean them. They both loved me. Very much. But their love was not perfect. Their love was filled with conditions. After I read their letters I began going through a pile of cards and letters that I had put to the side. Cards and letters inscribed with the same perfect blank handwriting in each of them. Every single word in those letters from Jamie she means today. She loves me perfectly. She sees through every insecurity I have. She sees my potential and she believes in me. There was something in one her cards that struck me more than everything else.

I don't think I do nearly enough for Jamie. But she says I help in ways I don't understand. But I tend to agree with her last statement. God did know we needed each other, and Jamie loves me perfectly enough not to ever walk away.

I currently live with a very special young lady. A person that took the (dumb as it may be) most meaningful title I can ever give someone and perfected it. Erin Laura Rebello is my best friend and for every single day that I live I will never amount to any kind of good that would allow me to deserve her. She loves me without any conditions. I know that in the depths of my heart. She provides the greatest joy I have ever experienced by being in my life. There was no one else in the world that I should have moved out with first and God knew that. At this moment I belong here with her. Erin loves me the way Christ has shown her. She loves me though I've hurt her in ways I never intended. She loves me although our friendship highlights so many of my fears and insecurities. She loves me past my stubbornness and awkwardness. She loves me enough to be honest in everything and push me out of my comfort level. She's an angel that God hand chose and blessed me with. She's everything in a friend that not only I ever wanted, but that I ever needed. She gave me things that I never knew I didn't have until I met her. She means more to me than words can describe.

I love everyone so much. I will not say that I have mastered perfect love, because I'm too sinful and human to do so. But I strive for it every day. "The only thing I really wish for is to love until I die of Love". Those words of my saint echo through my head daily. I wish to love through the heart of Christ. Especially to those who love me, and to the ones who need it the most.

Justification

I'm stuck deep in my head. Back in the corner where irrationality thrives and logic fails. I do what I can to distract myself. To find solace in past memories and even present conversations but there is too much doubt lingering in the air. The unknown and surrounding questions torment me. Perhaps this is my punishment. Perhaps in some twisted way I deserve the way I slowly tear myself apart. The way my mind jumps to conclusions and brings every fear and insecurity to the very forefront of every single thought. My heart feels everything too much and too intensely that at times I honestly forget to take a breath. All this pain is too much, but maybe it is warranted. I'm never one to shy away from my responsibility.

I miss my snake so much. He was beautiful and his death only added to my misery. I'm not one to take my hardships and become angry with God. But if I accounted you this week's events you'd wonder why now too. Anger hasn't hit me. But I feel abandoned. I feel so very alone.

I don't want to replace Petey but he was all I had. I just want a pet to love. But then again maybe this is all some sort of punishment. Or maybe I just need to go listen to that Sugarland song. I honestly don't know.

Nonsense.

I'm struggling to find the right words. The jumbled thoughts in my head only form certain sentences. My vocabulary has reached its limits. The elegance of pain defeats me. Beauty cannot live through these moments.

In an effort for survival there is a scramble to breathe. To take in the last of the precious air that has given you life for so long. It fills your lungs and in the instant complacency hits. It is, however, short-lived. For within seconds the realization hits that, that breath, was the only one you had left.

I no longer write with a structure. With a flowing effortlessness that my previous years graced me with. It is so much more than me being incapable. A friend once told me that I made pain beautiful. This is not my objective. I'd prefer to reveal the ugliness of every emotion I feel. Though perhaps that is not a description I can form. These words are not meant for much purpose anyway. Just a scrambled mess of the alphabet striving for some meaning. Striving for a coherent depth to describe too many emotions. The issue lies with the coherency. My emotions do not make sense.

Walls. I'm completely surrounded. But this time I didn't put them there. I've been shipped to an island. Can't you see that just this once I'm screaming to not be isolated? I'm begging to be seen. To be in the presence of your company. To be wrapped in your arms and be told that I'm going to be okay.

And can't you see that in the attempt to protect me you've made things far worse. But I get the notion that this isn't about me. This is about protecting you. So for that I applaud you. Because I rather feel the pain than you.

Two last week. Four on Monday. Twenty-six last night. That's a huge jump. Equivalent to my state of mind.

Full Blown

If I was brave I may just share everything I'm feeling. Because I need to talk and have someone listen. The best part of my day involved me crying. It was minimal. Such a tiny release from what I have inside. But it was good because I was crying to a person who loved me. Even if she's so very far away.

But I'm not brave and I really at the moment don't have anyone. So into isolation I go.

Fall Risk

I am probably the weakest person I know. I constantly battle things that the ordinary person doesn't even think about. I have reoccurring thoughts that I cannot get out of my head. Each and every day poses a new hardship. The simple swing off my bed takes strength.

I am not okay. And I struggle to find the hope that one day I truly will be.

But this is no excuse. I apologize for constantly failing.

To the person who knows maybe too much and loves me beyond what I deserve, read my private thoughts, please. It's mostly for you.

Graduate School.

Sometimes I think I enjoy school a little too much. May is quickly approaching and I will walk across the stage and be handed a piece of paper that tells me simply that I've accomplished another goal. I'm proud to be graduating on time, especially considering I spent two years taking classes I didn't need for a major I never truly wanted. Most people in my situation would not still graduate in four years (well, 3 and a half). I made sure I did. My B.A. in Psych is a degree that I wanted but there is very little I can do with it. I need at least a masters to do anything truly psychology related bar from pushing papers in an office.

But I don't want to be a psychologist. I want to be a youth minister. So Steph, what's the problem? Well, instead of one masters degree I want two. Even if technically I don't need any for the job of my choice.

More than likely I'll take at least a semester off. I'm still ahead of the curve so I'm okay. I'll probably go crazy though. I need to be in school. I need knowledge. I need my brain to be stimulated. But the real question is what degree do I go after first and how am I going to pay for all of this? Then there's the where?

Here's a secret my friends that I've been harboring. I want to get a Masters in Theology at Franciscan University of Steubenville. In Ohio? Yes, in Ohio. Before you freak out though, I won't make the move (I have entertained the thought however). They have a distance learning program that I am so very interested in. I want to apply. Really badly. But then what about the masters in counseling that I want? Where and when do I get that? And again, money? Yeah. I have so little of that.

Sometimes I really wonder what I'm doing with my life. Not that I'm old or anything but I really do have nothing figured out. I have no idea what to do with school, I'm not sure if I'll get to be a youth minister, no clue if and when I'll ever get married, haven't the faintest idea where I'll be living in 5 years, and I'm not quite sure I can make it past just this year.

"Let the past be the past and let Me take care of the future." I'm trying God, really. But couldn't you give me something easy for once? And yes Lord, I know the answer to that too.

Running the Race

My head is spinning. I'm not sure how in the world I can feel happiness and frustration all at once. It's becoming to a point where emotions blend and numbness creeps in.

I had a wonderful day yesterday. Ultimately, nothing went wrong. The insanity of that fact overwhelms me. Yet I'm not jumping for joy. There is no celebration craving to go wild.

Today is the day that celebrates the birth of a very special young woman. Someone I can't possibly ever lose. My life is better because of her.

I wrote something in private. In a location only a single other person can read if they so choose. I don't like what I wrote. Guilt consumes me. But I can't change my emotions. I should go delete it though.

I feel like I'm running a race and my competitive nature screams at me to be first. Problem is I have no idea where the finish line is.

Letter from God

I'm not sure exactly what happened tonight but my world fell apart. The little fortress that I had up crumbled. Everything hit me at once and I panicked. I could barely move and all I wanted was to roll up and die. And honestly, that's an understatement. Erin called me and as soon as I heard her voice I could no longer hold my tears back. Which is comforting, in a way. I like feeling safe with her, as though there is no need for false pretenses. But all of this is beside the point. I went downstairs and I saw a letter on my kitchen counter for me. Problem was it was addressed in my handwriting. I saw it and I got angry because I knew what was in the letter. Or at least I thought I did. I text Erin and she told me to read it. I hesitated but sort of like usual, I listened to her. Thank God for Erin. Literally. And thank God for the words that I read.

Dear Stephanie,

My beloved daughter, I love you. You are so precious and beautiful to me. Why is it though that you doubt your self worth so much? Did I not create you in my image? Did I not die for you? My child I adore you. Trust in that. I do not make mistakes; you are not an exception. Continue to cultivate your gifts. I know you are confused right now but trust in my will. Allow me to guide you and show you the way. Be patient. Take time to acknowledge each and every day. Let the past be the past and let me take care of the future. Pray without ceasing. Visit me in the adoration chapel. Never stop loving me. I will never stop loving you. I will not forsake you.

I love you,
Jesus


I did not expect any of that.

Wants vs. Needs

I need very little. I need my boyfriend to love me. I need my sister and brother to know that I love them. I need my friends to know that I will do anything for them. I need my best friend to never go away. I need to be needed. I need a roof over my head. I need clean water to drink and wash with. I need enough food to survive. I need clothes to wear. I need a Catholic church. That's it, right? Nothing else comes to mind.

Now what do I want? Well, a lot of things.

I'm not materialistic. I can do with less. But right now I've never wanted so much in my life. I want my room the way I want it. I want things. I have this vision in my head and I'm crying because I can't get it out. I want to do things for me. I wish I could just not want. Because I feel unbelievably selfish. Technically I've bought not a single thing for my room. And I'll keep it that way for as long as I can. But ugh. I don't understand while all of a sudden I wish to make myself happy. To do something for my self. I don't need that. I really don't. I just want it.

I have no idea what to do with myself.

I hate these moments. When all I maybe need is sleep but it won't come. When every thought I have is too painful to think. I hate this feeling of sheer abandonment and not being wanted. Of not mattering to the people you're supposed to matter to the most. I hate this deep loneliness. When the only thing you can count on is the sting of an old friend. I hate this pain. When your insides feel like they've been slowly ripped out and every breath is too hard to take. I hate these tears. When there's too many to even just fall and the weight of it all is soul crushing. I hate falling. When there clearly is not a single person willing to catch me.

So many different possibilities the past few hours had. But I end up here.

Chasing Closure

I'm not avoiding homework, I'm not avoiding homework, I'm not avoiding homework....I'm totally avoiding homework. :)

I'm in a relatively good mood. My back is killing me, fasting does wonders for my headaches...not. My hands hurt, my siblings are frustrating me, my mom drives me nuts and I have a paper to write that I haven't even read the material for (not that I'm worried. Hah). But I can't help but smile right now. Blame it on Lent and how crazy Catholic I am, but hey. God is good.

Jamie's words keep running through my head, "Know that the most important people for your life are in your life". She's brilliant, really. Yesterday I was still very much angry. But even after crying for just those short few moments in Erin's car and rambling to her after made such a huge difference. And although this morning when I woke up I felt sick and it took a lot to drag me out of bed and head to mass, I felt lighter than I did before. Like today was literally a brand new day.

The profoundness of Jamie's words are striking. My anger has disappeared. Diana handled everything wrong and I deserved so much more. But she did what she had to do, or felt like she had to do, and if it made her life better somehow then great. But this is not about her. This is about me. I could never have had both Diana and Erin. And if I could go back in time and change things I wouldn't because Erin needs me as much as I need her. Erin is a better friend. Erin makes me better. Erin is healthier for me. Almost 16 days and her and I will be roommates. The way things happened, I know that God had this planned so long ago. And he's been laughing at me for years.

It's more than Erin though. It's Chris. It's Jamie. It's Jacob. It's Michael. It's April. It's Kayla. It's my teens and Jeremy and the rest of the core that I didn't mention by name. It's them. The people in my life that I need, and in certain particular ways they want and need me too.

I've been wanting to say this all day. But if you could read my thoughts you would understand why I couldn't just say them out loud. I rather right now hide behind my computer screen while she sleeps. But Erin, guess what? I'm your best friend and you're mine. Maybe I should repeat that. I'm your best friend. I win and everyone else loses. I can't guarantee that when I wake up tomorrow morning or the day after that I'll know that as certain as I do this moment. That I'll believe in what I always thought would be impossible. But I want you to know that right now I know where I stand and I'm not afraid. The fence may have just gotten smaller. I trust your forever.

Sacrifice

I tend to love people until it hurts. Literally hurts. It's the one quality that I like about myself because I know where I stand. I am a person who is trustworthy. I am dependable. I will drop everything in a second if someone needs me. No second thoughts. And I'm a person who makes sacrifices for others. These are things I'm proud of.

If you know me you know how much I love my parish. St. Anne's is the only home I've known since I moved to Gilbert. I'm ridiculously comfortable there. The hardest part about thinking of leaving Arizona one day is knowing I can't take St. Anne's with me. This past Sunday when I arrived before the 7 am mass to sell candy for our fundraiser I noticed a stack of large crosses laying against the wall. They looked vaguely familiar but I couldn't pinpoint where I had seen them. So naturally I asked someone. They were the crosses that hung on the wall of the parking lot for Stations of the Cross. The church got new ones and so these were being given away for free to good homes. They've been blessed and everything. One by one these crosses were taken away until there was one left. I had to have it. So when I took it and placed it next to me I was overwhelmed with happiness. No matter where I go I will always carry St. Anne's in my heart but this cross was a physical reminder. Something tangible that I could take with me. But as I thought and thought I found myself making a decision. A decision I didn't want to make but it felt necessary. I went home later that day and I handed the cross to my mom. I told her that it was blessed and it should stay in this house or wherever they go so God can always be with them. I gave my family another piece of who I am because they, I believe, need that piece more than I do.

Love is hard. And it requires sacrifice. But I don't think it would be worth it without it. Christ has shown me that.

Answer.

When I got the text from Jamie I was driving. I nearly crashed my truck the moment I read the words. Tears instantly came to my eyes and I began screaming. I was so angry with the whole world. I calmed down enough to reply to her somewhat calmly. The next couple texts made me feel better when the fear of her keeping a secret this big from me for four years was erased. But I was reeling. I could barely breathe and I didn't know where to go. So I drove to my old neighborhood, to the park where I found God and parked there and waited for her to call me.

I actually kept my composure for the most part during our conversation. There was so much that I wanted to say that I didn't. I cried a whole lot less than I needed to. I think maybe I was still trying to process everything she told me. I had played out so many different reasons why Diana left me. I had tried justifying it in so many different ways. What she told me I never expected. And it hurt so much. As soon as Jamie hung up I fell apart. My hands were shaking when I text Erin. I had never needed her more in my life than I did that moment. But she was busy and I was left to fight on my own. I went home and I locked myself in my room and I cried and cried. I yelled into my pillow and cried until I had no choice but to get up and go to work. I cleaned myself up and walked out the door without saying a word to anyone. I fought tears all throughout work. I felt anger toward everyone. Chris spent an hour with me at work and he filled my emptiness but I was still so angry. So hurt. I'm still angry. I'm still hurt.

Jamie said I have the right to be angry. I'm glad she said that. I'm very angry.

But I know the answer now. Or at least some of it. It makes no sense to me. Except in a particular way but I'm afraid to make assumptions.

I still very much need to cry. I need to be held. I need to be listened to. I need to be comforted. I need to be reassured. I need to feel like I'm not alone. My heart is in a million pieces. But a big part of me feels like I can honestly truly heal now. It should have came from Diana. She should have told me. She should still tell me. But that may never happen. Jamie gave me what I needed. Jamie always gives me what I need.

God help me.

Anger

We can blame it on my hormones. We can blame it on the fact that I keep getting hammered by shots of pain to my stomach that make me want to fall to my knees and cry. We can blame it on way too much stress. We can blame it on lack of food and not enough sleep. We can blame it on the lack of motivation of my sister. We can blame it on the irresponsibility of my father. We can blame it on a lot of things. Fact is, I'm pissed off.

Facebook I hate you. Ever since I opened up that damn box my mind keeps bringing little things up. Do you know how many times I've looked at the clock at exactly 10:18 in the past week? Does the world hate me or something? Oh, and someone had a conversation about palm trees with me. Palm trees!! Pick another tree dammit. Facebook the past two days keeps telling me to friend her. Every single time I log onto my profile there she is. It's torture. Really, it is. I'd love to friend her. I do not want what we used to have. I really don't. For so many different reasons. But I do want to know what's going on in her life. I want to know she's happy. But you know what I really want? I want to know why. I've never been mad at her. I've been mad at myself. I blame myself completely. But I've never felt anger toward her. I'm angry at her now. I deserve to know why. I deserve to know what I did that was so wrong for her to freaking call me and tell me that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Who the hell does that? I did nothing wrong!!! I had freaking tickets bought to Utah. There was nothing that we couldn't work out. Nothing. But she shut me out. I trusted her beyond all else. I had a wall up with everyone but her. I feared everyone leaving except her. She said forever. I believed her. I held up my end of the bargain dammit. Graduate in 3 years? Check. Get the Nissan Frontier? Check. And I would have gotten accepted to the University of Utah. I would have never gone away. My word means something.

I don't regret her leaving anymore. Because my first apartment is with who I believe God wants it to be. Things happen for a reason. But that doesn't mean that I don't still need to know. That what she did to me was wrong. I don't care if it was the best thing for her. She could have handled it better. I deserved better. I deserve to know. I want to scream at her. All these years and I never felt this way before. I am so angry at her. So angry with how unfair she was to me. How selfish she was. I'm a good friend. I didn't deserve it.

Like usual, I do things a little differently. Denial? I did that the first month. Bargaining? I did that the next 4. Depression? It's been 4 years. Acceptance? I've accepted she's gone and won't ever come back. Does that count? And now I'm experiencing anger. Can I heal now please?

Hand Outstretched

There is no doubt that I've been put on this earth to serve. To help and love even in the smallest of ways the people I encounter. But some days it just seems like I can't do enough. As though what I'm giving is terribly insufficient. My heart breaks when I'm unable to simply put, turn that frown upside down. I doubt she had that problem.



Not like there's any similarity between her and I. She's a saint, I'm not. But still. My hands are outstretched. Someone grab them.

Some Sort of Syndrome

Either I need to follow random blogs or my friends here need to blog more often. You're all failing at keeping me stimulated with things to read. In other news..

Senioritis? I didn't catch it in high school. That probably has to do with the fact that I skipped that year. But right now? My gosh. I just kind of don't care. I was trying to read a study and just nothing sunk in. I rather be on Facebook. I rather be sleeping. I rather not get up tomorrow and go to class. This is so strange for me. I love school! But homework is so lame.

So I keep wanting to run to the store and buy things for my apartment. But there are two problems. Number one is I am not made of money. Not even close. Number two, I'm not sure I can. I get these two polarizing emotions; excitement and guilt. How in the world am I going to spend money on myself? Has anyone seen my wardrobe? It hasn't changed for years because I refuse to buy myself clothes. Do I want new clothes? Extremely badly. But how can I use money that I could potentially use on someone else on myself? It makes me sick. So how the hell am I going to buy anything? I'll buy common things. Things Erin needs too. But things for me specifically? I think my room will be bare. Thinking about it gets me nervous. I want so much. But I can't. Even if I was a millionaire I doubt I'd spend much on myself. My mom keeps telling me I need a job that will give me good health insurance because once May hits I'm kicked off the plan. Yay for graduation! But I think health insurance, really? That's an expense for me. If I get sick, I get sick. Have a seizure or two, I'll just stay home for a day. Break something? Well that may be unfortunate but I do have a high pain tolerance. Now I'm saying all of this sarcastically but seriously at the same time. I can't spend money on myself. That's selfish. At least that's what my brain tells me.

I mean, what do I really need? I think it's very good that Erin is going to live with me. I may not feed myself without her.

Daughter of a Perfect Father

I've begun reading a book that has made me think a lot more about certain issues. It's honestly a book that I very much needed and so I'm thankful to the person who lent it to me. I'm not done yet. I still have half the book to go through. Unfortunately I don't have time to just sit and read. But there are a few things which I would like to discuss.

We live in a society that is quickly corrupting. I was talking to an old friend Sunday afternoon over coffee and we were talking about how humanity is quickly losing what you may even dare to say its "human-ness". Loving your neighbor as yourself is a concept that is so foreign to daily life. She, at the moment, is struggling with her faith. Not in God, but in the faith she grew up in. She no longer wants to be part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints but she cannot openly state that. It pains her to know that her family and friends will shun her. I personally can't wrap my mind around that concept. I know what the LDS church teaches and so I understand where the sadness would come from. The disappointment. The fear. But the anger and resentment? That I can't rationalize. I have no problems with Mormons. None whatsoever. They do a lot of things right. So this isn't about bashing a church I do not belong to. But what my friend was telling me just made me think. This is not a Mormon problem though. This is a human problem. An issue with us believing that "we're" right and "they're" wrong. A fundamental concern that we are not loving each other the way we are loved. I am confident that God does not look at me and see a Catholic and then looks at Jamie and sees a Mormon (Jamie is not the friend I was speaking about earlier, just to clarify any confusion). He sees so much more. He sees everything and He loves us without any conditions. There is no "we" and "they"! We are all part of the body of Christ. We are part of the same human family. Are we not called to be Christ-like? To give our lives for one another without question? To love even those who wrong us? In fact to love them more? Difficult as it may be, it is not impossible. Christ is our example. But there is this huge disconnect. God is not in our lives. He has become obsolete. And to those who call on Him, how much of their prayers and beliefs are just words? St. Therese of Lisieux said that "Our Lord does not look so much at the greatness of our actions, nor even at their difficulty, but at the love at which we do them." How much do we love? Or are we caught up so much in ourselves and our selfish tendencies?

We live in a world that is focused on the concept of "freedom from". Freedom from responsibility. Freedom from religion. Freedom from getting old, from gaining weight, from rules, from structure, from this and from that. But that's completely wrong. We have it all wrong. We should be living our lives with a mentality of "freedom to". Freedom to love. Freedom to sacrifice. Freedom to experience suffering without bitterness. Freedom to be joyful. Freedom to learn. Freedom to not compare ourselves to the person next to us or the depiction of beauty that the media falsely portrays to us. Life is not about self-gratification. It is not about running a constant race and trying to get to the finish line first. It's about having the freedom to live passionately and love unconditionally. Even in the midst of pain and suffering. Of unwanted circumstances.

The book I'm reading is based on trying to answer the question "who am I?" How do I define myself? By my certain titles? A sister? A friend? A girlfriend? A cashier? A student? A Catholic? An Extraordinary Minister? A lector? An usher? A core member? Even by just my name, Stephanie Marie Gonzalez? None of those say who I am. But that's how we think. Unconscious as it may be we define ourselves by our many titles. But we are so much more than our titles and functions. We're more than the roles that we fill. We are first and foremost sons and daughters of God. We need to start right there. If we do not fully understand that at the very foundation this is who we are our whole life we will be searching for an identity. Searching for a meaning. Years over years we will find things that fill that void. That give us momentary peace. However it always fades. It slips past us and we get back on the hunt, searching for something that can make us feel alive and complete. But God does not want that for us. We are meant for more than momentary. We were made for eternity, but we cannot reach that without Him. We cannot fully grasp what beauty is, what love is, what joy and happiness and peace is until we are secure in Him. Until we know that above all else, He is our Father.

I am more imperfect than most. I am a bigger sinner than probably everyone who reads this. I struggle every day with so many things. Especially with my self-worth. Loving others I have down but loving myself is the most difficult thing that I've ever attempted to do. Perhaps this is a part of the cross that I'm asked to carry. I do however know that in the eyes of my Lord I am made perfectly and because of that, I do know who I am and who I'm supposed to be.

Thanks be to God.