Anger

We can blame it on my hormones. We can blame it on the fact that I keep getting hammered by shots of pain to my stomach that make me want to fall to my knees and cry. We can blame it on way too much stress. We can blame it on lack of food and not enough sleep. We can blame it on the lack of motivation of my sister. We can blame it on the irresponsibility of my father. We can blame it on a lot of things. Fact is, I'm pissed off.

Facebook I hate you. Ever since I opened up that damn box my mind keeps bringing little things up. Do you know how many times I've looked at the clock at exactly 10:18 in the past week? Does the world hate me or something? Oh, and someone had a conversation about palm trees with me. Palm trees!! Pick another tree dammit. Facebook the past two days keeps telling me to friend her. Every single time I log onto my profile there she is. It's torture. Really, it is. I'd love to friend her. I do not want what we used to have. I really don't. For so many different reasons. But I do want to know what's going on in her life. I want to know she's happy. But you know what I really want? I want to know why. I've never been mad at her. I've been mad at myself. I blame myself completely. But I've never felt anger toward her. I'm angry at her now. I deserve to know why. I deserve to know what I did that was so wrong for her to freaking call me and tell me that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Who the hell does that? I did nothing wrong!!! I had freaking tickets bought to Utah. There was nothing that we couldn't work out. Nothing. But she shut me out. I trusted her beyond all else. I had a wall up with everyone but her. I feared everyone leaving except her. She said forever. I believed her. I held up my end of the bargain dammit. Graduate in 3 years? Check. Get the Nissan Frontier? Check. And I would have gotten accepted to the University of Utah. I would have never gone away. My word means something.

I don't regret her leaving anymore. Because my first apartment is with who I believe God wants it to be. Things happen for a reason. But that doesn't mean that I don't still need to know. That what she did to me was wrong. I don't care if it was the best thing for her. She could have handled it better. I deserved better. I deserve to know. I want to scream at her. All these years and I never felt this way before. I am so angry at her. So angry with how unfair she was to me. How selfish she was. I'm a good friend. I didn't deserve it.

Like usual, I do things a little differently. Denial? I did that the first month. Bargaining? I did that the next 4. Depression? It's been 4 years. Acceptance? I've accepted she's gone and won't ever come back. Does that count? And now I'm experiencing anger. Can I heal now please?