Nonsense.

I'm struggling to find the right words. The jumbled thoughts in my head only form certain sentences. My vocabulary has reached its limits. The elegance of pain defeats me. Beauty cannot live through these moments.

In an effort for survival there is a scramble to breathe. To take in the last of the precious air that has given you life for so long. It fills your lungs and in the instant complacency hits. It is, however, short-lived. For within seconds the realization hits that, that breath, was the only one you had left.

I no longer write with a structure. With a flowing effortlessness that my previous years graced me with. It is so much more than me being incapable. A friend once told me that I made pain beautiful. This is not my objective. I'd prefer to reveal the ugliness of every emotion I feel. Though perhaps that is not a description I can form. These words are not meant for much purpose anyway. Just a scrambled mess of the alphabet striving for some meaning. Striving for a coherent depth to describe too many emotions. The issue lies with the coherency. My emotions do not make sense.

Walls. I'm completely surrounded. But this time I didn't put them there. I've been shipped to an island. Can't you see that just this once I'm screaming to not be isolated? I'm begging to be seen. To be in the presence of your company. To be wrapped in your arms and be told that I'm going to be okay.

And can't you see that in the attempt to protect me you've made things far worse. But I get the notion that this isn't about me. This is about protecting you. So for that I applaud you. Because I rather feel the pain than you.

Two last week. Four on Monday. Twenty-six last night. That's a huge jump. Equivalent to my state of mind.