Answer.

When I got the text from Jamie I was driving. I nearly crashed my truck the moment I read the words. Tears instantly came to my eyes and I began screaming. I was so angry with the whole world. I calmed down enough to reply to her somewhat calmly. The next couple texts made me feel better when the fear of her keeping a secret this big from me for four years was erased. But I was reeling. I could barely breathe and I didn't know where to go. So I drove to my old neighborhood, to the park where I found God and parked there and waited for her to call me.

I actually kept my composure for the most part during our conversation. There was so much that I wanted to say that I didn't. I cried a whole lot less than I needed to. I think maybe I was still trying to process everything she told me. I had played out so many different reasons why Diana left me. I had tried justifying it in so many different ways. What she told me I never expected. And it hurt so much. As soon as Jamie hung up I fell apart. My hands were shaking when I text Erin. I had never needed her more in my life than I did that moment. But she was busy and I was left to fight on my own. I went home and I locked myself in my room and I cried and cried. I yelled into my pillow and cried until I had no choice but to get up and go to work. I cleaned myself up and walked out the door without saying a word to anyone. I fought tears all throughout work. I felt anger toward everyone. Chris spent an hour with me at work and he filled my emptiness but I was still so angry. So hurt. I'm still angry. I'm still hurt.

Jamie said I have the right to be angry. I'm glad she said that. I'm very angry.

But I know the answer now. Or at least some of it. It makes no sense to me. Except in a particular way but I'm afraid to make assumptions.

I still very much need to cry. I need to be held. I need to be listened to. I need to be comforted. I need to be reassured. I need to feel like I'm not alone. My heart is in a million pieces. But a big part of me feels like I can honestly truly heal now. It should have came from Diana. She should have told me. She should still tell me. But that may never happen. Jamie gave me what I needed. Jamie always gives me what I need.

God help me.