I Love You.

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. Not the romantic kind. The pure, beautiful and unconditional love that we all deserve. That we all desperately seek and long for. The love Christ has for us. Last night I was talking to my teens about this. They struggled to describe what they were really, and deeply hungry for. They struggled to grasp the word "adore". And so I let my passion flow through my words. I'm not saying what I said was profound, or meaningful, but it was heartfelt. I need them to understand what love is. Who love is. And how they're called to love perfectly in return.

But what a monumental task is that? What a monumental task is that for everyone? To love without judging. To love without reason. To love despite every human flaw each and every one of us has. To love purely. To love even when we're hurt and broken. To love beyond all things. Love is hard and it is a decision. A decision that we daily need to make. But is anything more important? Is anything worth more than love?

The first time I truly experienced love it was through three friends. Jamie, Diana, and Erin M. Yesterday night in my new apartment, surrounded by nearly all the most important people in my life, I went through the box that about a month ago broke me to pieces. I never went through it completely. I couldn't. So last night I did in order to know if there was anything in there that I wanted not hidden away. Looking through it hurt, but not nearly as much. Not even close. My pain is healing. The gaping hole in my chest is slowly being filled. But that isn't the point. I read through letters from Diana and Erin and they said basically the same thing. Diana's more but they were filled with love. Filled with things that for a few years kept me going. Gave me purpose. But Diana and Erin are gone now. Diana left abruptly. Erin just slowly faded and I'm left to ask myself what kind of love was that? Love of circumstances? I do not deny that when they wrote those words they didn't mean them. They both loved me. Very much. But their love was not perfect. Their love was filled with conditions. After I read their letters I began going through a pile of cards and letters that I had put to the side. Cards and letters inscribed with the same perfect blank handwriting in each of them. Every single word in those letters from Jamie she means today. She loves me perfectly. She sees through every insecurity I have. She sees my potential and she believes in me. There was something in one her cards that struck me more than everything else.

I don't think I do nearly enough for Jamie. But she says I help in ways I don't understand. But I tend to agree with her last statement. God did know we needed each other, and Jamie loves me perfectly enough not to ever walk away.

I currently live with a very special young lady. A person that took the (dumb as it may be) most meaningful title I can ever give someone and perfected it. Erin Laura Rebello is my best friend and for every single day that I live I will never amount to any kind of good that would allow me to deserve her. She loves me without any conditions. I know that in the depths of my heart. She provides the greatest joy I have ever experienced by being in my life. There was no one else in the world that I should have moved out with first and God knew that. At this moment I belong here with her. Erin loves me the way Christ has shown her. She loves me though I've hurt her in ways I never intended. She loves me although our friendship highlights so many of my fears and insecurities. She loves me past my stubbornness and awkwardness. She loves me enough to be honest in everything and push me out of my comfort level. She's an angel that God hand chose and blessed me with. She's everything in a friend that not only I ever wanted, but that I ever needed. She gave me things that I never knew I didn't have until I met her. She means more to me than words can describe.

I love everyone so much. I will not say that I have mastered perfect love, because I'm too sinful and human to do so. But I strive for it every day. "The only thing I really wish for is to love until I die of Love". Those words of my saint echo through my head daily. I wish to love through the heart of Christ. Especially to those who love me, and to the ones who need it the most.