Chasing Closure

I'm not avoiding homework, I'm not avoiding homework, I'm not avoiding homework....I'm totally avoiding homework. :)

I'm in a relatively good mood. My back is killing me, fasting does wonders for my headaches...not. My hands hurt, my siblings are frustrating me, my mom drives me nuts and I have a paper to write that I haven't even read the material for (not that I'm worried. Hah). But I can't help but smile right now. Blame it on Lent and how crazy Catholic I am, but hey. God is good.

Jamie's words keep running through my head, "Know that the most important people for your life are in your life". She's brilliant, really. Yesterday I was still very much angry. But even after crying for just those short few moments in Erin's car and rambling to her after made such a huge difference. And although this morning when I woke up I felt sick and it took a lot to drag me out of bed and head to mass, I felt lighter than I did before. Like today was literally a brand new day.

The profoundness of Jamie's words are striking. My anger has disappeared. Diana handled everything wrong and I deserved so much more. But she did what she had to do, or felt like she had to do, and if it made her life better somehow then great. But this is not about her. This is about me. I could never have had both Diana and Erin. And if I could go back in time and change things I wouldn't because Erin needs me as much as I need her. Erin is a better friend. Erin makes me better. Erin is healthier for me. Almost 16 days and her and I will be roommates. The way things happened, I know that God had this planned so long ago. And he's been laughing at me for years.

It's more than Erin though. It's Chris. It's Jamie. It's Jacob. It's Michael. It's April. It's Kayla. It's my teens and Jeremy and the rest of the core that I didn't mention by name. It's them. The people in my life that I need, and in certain particular ways they want and need me too.

I've been wanting to say this all day. But if you could read my thoughts you would understand why I couldn't just say them out loud. I rather right now hide behind my computer screen while she sleeps. But Erin, guess what? I'm your best friend and you're mine. Maybe I should repeat that. I'm your best friend. I win and everyone else loses. I can't guarantee that when I wake up tomorrow morning or the day after that I'll know that as certain as I do this moment. That I'll believe in what I always thought would be impossible. But I want you to know that right now I know where I stand and I'm not afraid. The fence may have just gotten smaller. I trust your forever.