New Year

A little over a year ago I began this blog. My first post was Dec 19th, 2009. My second one was on New Year's Eve. I remember writing both and exactly how I felt while writing them. I remember being so hopeful for 2010. Wanting so many things to happen. Even believing that some of them will. But 2010 was a big disappointment to me. Really probably the worst year of my life. Which makes me sad because well, 10 is my favorite number.

I lost a lot of things in 2010. I lost a dear friend in a horrible accident. I lost certain dreams, lost certain hopes. I lost more faith in myself. I lost my mind a little bit more. I lost trust for a friend that meant so much to me. I lost connection with people I cared about. I lost a job and a whole lot of money. I lost motivation. I lost interest. I lost pieces of who I am.

Now looking at all the negative is an easy thing for me to do. But I know how far that will get me. Although this year was extremely difficult and heartbreaking, it had many good moments as well. Moments that I'm grateful for. Things that kept me going.

First of all I need to mention the number one thing that kept me going and that's my faith. My faith in God and His Church. They're the most beautiful things in my life and the only things I know that I can completely and confidently trust without the fear of being hurt. Being Catholic is the greatest gift I've even been given. A gift that somewhat ironically, I gave myself. I chose this faith. This year despite everything my faith in God grew stronger. My love for all things Catholic continues to grow every day. And with this strength and desire I also realized something else this year. I realized what my place should be in the Church. I realized that my overwhelming desire to serve belongs in youth ministry. The pure joy that those teenagers give me is irreplaceable.

Secondly I need to mention Chris. This year was by far our toughest. In so many ways. But my love for him has never stopped growing and my desire to be his grows at the same pace. He is my rock and my very best friend. This year made me realize even more how much he does love me. It made me realize the strength we both have to get through anything together. He still gives me hope.

Erin and Jacob. I seriously doubt you two really know how much you mean to me. Erin you light up my day without failing. I love being with you and I find it a little insane on my part how I want to spend more time with you. You make me laugh and smile and I feel at ease when I'm with you. As though I don't need to guard myself. That's both frightening and relieving at the same time. Eventually I'll stop saying it so much but it's as though when I do, it heals me a bit more: You're my best friend and I adore you. Jacob, I am so comfortable with you it's a little funny. You help me so much by the kind advice you give me and the ability you have to make me feel cared for. Despite the secret love affair I have with you and though it may sound weird with those words preceding it, you're like a brother to me. I love you and am so thankful you're in my life.

Jamie, another year has passed in our friendship. We're going on 9 years and that amazes me. It doesn't matter that we don't talk all the time or see each other. Although it would be nice, our friendship is something special because I don't consider the distance to weaken it. You'll always be my hero and so beautiful to me. I love you.

I don't know what to expect out of 2011. Most of me is going into the year not expecting anything. I prefer it that way so I don't get disappointed. I do know that 2011 will present more challenges for me. With the financial situation of my parents getting worse and my stepdad not being able to find a job I sense a move to another state. I wont be going with them though. Which means I'll have to find a place to live. But I'll have to handle that when it comes. As for now I'm just praying that tomorrow when I wake up and the calendar changes I have 365 days to start new. Days that I pray I'll take more advantage of.

Happy New Years.

Breakout

I'm freaking out. Seriously freaking out. I am totally aware that I'm being insane. I know I'm overreacting but oh my gosh. My face. I can't believe what is on my face. Underneath my bangs lies a perfect forehead. Really. Or at least it used to be. Geeze. Is this what a teenager feels like?

Six pimples. SIX. I always knew that number was evil. Three of which are on my no longer perfect forehead. This is ridiculous. My complexion has always been wonderful. I've never had more than one pimple at a time and they were such rare occasions. I didn't suffer through my teenage years with pimples on my face. I didn't need any products. And now this? I mean really. Why now? Why ever? My face is ruined! Like I already didn't have a problem with it. I mean oh my gosh.

I don't even know what to do. Is a paper bag too much? I doubt it.

I think I'm going to go cry now.

Perhaps I'm overly paranoid about sounding selfish these days. I'm not sure how to explain certain emotions because I get scared. I don't really like feeling like I'm being watched. As though I'm just being waited on to mess up. To have someone jump up and say, "You see! Just like I said. You're selfish". I have disturbing dreams about it. I think about it and I burst into tears. This irrational fear of being someone I never wanted to be. I just sort of wish this feeling would go away. But I know how I am. Faulted or not, these things stay with me.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I have this unimaginable desire to feel like I'm the most important person in any sort of way to someone. That is selfish. But I can't help it. I keep thinking about so many things and crying for so many reasons that I can't take it anymore. This isn't just depression either. This is more than that. This is me dying. But wanting so badly to live. This is me still stupidly dreaming but not being able to get my feet off the ground.

New Years is coming soon and I keep thinking of resolutions. But do I have the courage to say them out loud? Because then what? If I fail everyone knows. Don't you all know already how much I've failed? I feel like no one and everyone sees me at the same time. I'm virtually ignored, forgotten, abused, and terribly mistaken until I do something wrong. Then everything is magnified. Taken out of context. I'm just laughed at.

I feel even worse now. I feel so stupid that I can't lift my arm. Actually, can't even move it without an incredible amount of pain shooting through it. Putting on my clothes is hard. Laying in bed is so uncomfortable. I need help eating because my right side is useless right now. But I don't want to ask for help. I manage as well as I can with my left. But I just feel so dumb. I'd prefer to have a life threatening issue instead.

Too many thoughts.

Running in the Rain

I've been athletic my whole life. Naturally talented, too. In my heart I know that if I really wanted to be, I could have been great. Made it to the Olympics playing softball or basketball. Made my daddy's dream come true. Sports came easily. I didn't have to practice, I was just good. I walked on to three different teams without trying out. In 5th grade every person in the school knew my name because I was the best player on the team. The one who could beat the 6th grade team, too. Boys and girls. I was never proud about it though. I don't like to boast. But I was good, and winning was something I've always liked doing. The competition fueled me. When I played sports nothing else mattered. I left everything on the court and the field. The world made perfect sense there.

My depression and eating disorders got the best of me though. I destroyed my body and along the way I lost the fight in me. I felt so empty in life that I allowed it to take over the only thing I had left. I didn't practice like I should have. I didn't perform as well as I could have. I didn't see the point any more. I stopped playing my sophomore year of high school. It was a dumb move. My heart still aches thinking about it. My former teammates would invite me to their games and I never went. I couldn't. Watching them play without me hurt. So I tried to forget about it. Put it past me. But it's just another thing I buried.

I still have pretty damn good reflexes. I can still shoot a three, and make a perfect throw from short or anywhere else on the field for that matter. I'll always be able to catch. But that raw talent is undeveloped. And at 21, it's too late to do much. I'm terribly out of shape and I don't push myself anymore because thinking about how I allowed myself to be like this bothers me. But as I sat at home today thinking about so much and not having a single person to talk to I felt the desire to run. I felt the need to find my glove and throw the ball in the air. I felt the urge to play basketball at the park down the street. And at about 7:30 tonight I put my hoodie on, tied my shoes and went running in the rain. I ran until my lungs hurt and then I yelled at myself in my mind to keep on running. The rain dripped from my bangs into my eyes and made them burn underneath my contacts but I kept on running. I ran, and I ran. When I reached my house again and stopped I felt a little like collapsing. But all I could do was smile because I felt something else, too.

I felt alive.

Little Miss

A friend who I haven't talked to in a while text me and told me they just heard a song that reminded me of them. A new song from Sugarland. I have mixed emotions over it.

Little Miss down on love
Little Miss I give up
Little Miss I’ll get tough, don’t you worry about me anymore
Little Miss checkered dress
Little Miss one big mess
Little Miss I’ll take less when I always give so much more

It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose ’til you win
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
It’ll be alright again
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay (I’m okay)
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay

Little Miss do your best
Little Miss never rest
Little Miss be my guest, I’ll make more anytime that it runs out
Little Miss you’ll go far
Little Miss hide your scars
Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose ’til you win
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
It’ll be alright again
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay (I’m okay)
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay

Hooooooooooold Ooooooooon
Hooooooooooold On, you are loved
Are loved…….

Little Miss brand new start
Little Miss do your part
Little Miss big ‘ole heart beats wide open and she’s ready now for love

It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose ’til you win
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
It’ll be alright again
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay (I’m okay, it’ll be alright again)
I’m okay! (It’ll be alright again)

Mother Dear

I have an awful relationship with my mother. No matter how hard I try to repair it, it's impossible. She gets me so angry with everything she does. And the pain she gave me when she left me will more than likely never go away. It's an emotional baggage that I carry with me in every aspect and relationship of my life. It's the biggest reason that I don't trust people. It's a huge part of why I don't think I'm worth anything. It's a very essential reason why when someone does anything to somehow get out of my life, I shut myself down and build a fortress around myself that they can't get through. It's an open wound that so many people in my life keep attacking. And then they get upset when I don't "forgive them". But that's another subject in itself.

I can't always control my emotions when I'm with my mom. I get blinded by the hurt and anger she makes me feel. I say things that I shouldn't. I think things that are even worse. I become someone that I really am not. Maybe in a certain way, I become her.

I do not hate my mother. Maybe that would be easier. My problem is that I love my mom so very much. Even at 21 I do so much to make her happy. Or at least attempt to. I allow her to run over me and use me in any way she can. I give her money when I have none to give. I give her my time. I raise her children. I feed them. I buy them what they need. I drive them places. At the age of barely 5 years old I changed my sister's diapers and took her baths and held her when she cried. Then 3 years later she ripped her out of my life and I didn't hear a single thing from them for a year. Not one word. No happy birthday, no merry Christmas. Nothing. But when my dad drove me the 8 hours to AZ to see my mom and sister again I still longed for both of them. My nine year old self thought that things would be better. They thought that the emptiness I felt would go away. But I was so wrong.

My mom is the most selfish person that I know. I don't understand why she does the things she does. I don't understand why she says certain things. It doesn't make sense at all. But I'm tired of her making me feel like this. I'm tired of her.

Dammit I need to talk to Erin.

It Takes Four

I sat between the two most wonderful men in my world. I love both of them so much; the keeper of my heart and my best man. Chris and Jacob mean so much to me and I love being with them. But as we were sitting there watching the movie and they were laughing I couldn't help but feel empty. The picture wasn't complete without Erin.

I know Erin will be back in a month. And I know I'm going to be okay. But the thing is, though Chris is my boyfriend and he knows virtually every little thing about me, I need that female companionship. I need Erin to complain to when Chris is being dumb. I need Erin to talk to about every little thing I can think of. Being unable to text her, call her, or see her for a whole month kills me. Erin is the only person who never fails to ask me how I'm feeling. She asks specific questions and gets answers out of me that no one does because she takes the time to really care. These stupid blogs that I write? I know she reads them all. I know this not because she comments or anything but because she makes a point to ask me about them. To understand the real meaning behind my words and the exact situations and people I'm talking about. She wants to be in my life. That fact amazes me beyond all else. Every little thing she does for me tells me that she cares and loves me. She's completely honest with me, even when it hurts. But I appreciate that honesty. She's my best friend and I enjoy every second I get with her.

Like I said, I know I will be fine. I also hope she has an amazing time. She's going to spend time in the number one place I want to go, the Vatican, after all. Then she'll go to India to visit family. She'll have fun and in a month she will be back. My only issue is that without a job and school being out for winter, I have way too much free time without being able to talk to the person I talk to the most. And as much as I love our boyfriends, it isn't the same without her being there.

Just thinking.

Sometimes I let my thoughts go too far. I linger on the past, dream about the future and anxiously fret about the present. In a mind where hundreds of thoughts come at me at once I at times find it difficult to focus on a single thing. Even when a particular subject does weigh heavily on my mind I elaborate the details and various outcomes over and over again. I experience the emotions as though it were real life. With certain thoughts this creates an amazing joy but with others, well...

This isn't the first time I thought of it. Though this is not a subject that I consider very much. But I can't just shake the feeling and the questions of "what if". It is foolish to consider such things. The past is what it is and there is not a single thing you could do to change it. Yet here I am, thinking. Wondering what could have been and regretting so many things. Perhaps the happiness I felt sent me running. The excuse I made, was it the truth? Or was it an opportunity I used to guard myself and build a wall so tall that no one could ever climb?

I feel as though I need to discuss this with someone. Kayla, perhaps. She could always help in these situations. Hah. Oh Kayla. I miss that crazy girl. I'm thinking about Spring Break all over again. Oh my gosh.

I know who I want to talk to actually. But there simply is never the time.

I think I'll allow myself, for the night, to let my thoughts have full control.

Reflection of Love

There was a whole lot of hate going on last night for me. Not against anyone. No, that is never the case. My hate has always been simple. I hate the person who looks back at me in the mirror every day. In fact, I do my best to only look when I absolutely have to.

But at about 1:10 AM I realized something. Something that everyone else already knew and I just ignored for reasons I am not aware of. Maybe it was because I simply didn't want to. I didn't want to feel guilty about another thing in my life. So I convinced myself that I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. But that does such and injustice to the handful of people who really love me. That disregards the love and friendship that Chris, Erin, Jacob, Jamie, Michael and anyone else has given me. It was me (unintentionally) saying screw you. What I do has nothing to do with you. But that was a lie. Because what I do does have to do with them. By loving me and being my friend they compromise their feelings and emotions on my behalf. Just as they are never alone in anything they feel because they have me, I'm not alone in anything I feel because I have them.

I don't like myself. But I need to realize that you all do. In fact, you love me and think rather highly of me. I'm being rude and selfish by not truly accepting those facts and I sincerely apologize. Jamie, for eight years of ignorance. Chris, for six years of stupidity. Erin and Jacob, for over two years of selfishness. Michael, for over a year of nonacceptance. And to all others who love me, I am sorry. Truly.

You may not always see it, but I grow stronger every day. In most part, because I have all of you.

Christmas Cheer

I love Christmas. I love the music, I love the lights. I love decorating and wrapping gifts. I'll wear a Santa hat out in public and be in complete bliss. I love the season of Advent. I love the color purple. I love the readings filled with proclamations of "Staying awake". I love the anticipation. I love my Savior and celebrating His birth. I love Midnight mass. I loved my church filled incense. I love all of it. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

But this year I wish Christmas wouldn't come. I want to take all the lights off the house. I want to stop the music from playing. I want to put away the tree. I want time to stop. Rewind even. But allow me to keep on going. Allow me to figure things out. Allow me to do something.

I sat on the floor of my best friend's room as she walked around and got ready. My head was killing me and I was holding back tears. But it quickly dawned on me that it wasn't just the pain that made me want to cry. It's the fact that this beautiful woman who I adore so much won't be getting anything from me for Christmas. At least nothing significant. Erin has done more for me in a single month than most people who I have known for years have combined. And it isn't like Erin just suddenly became my friend. No every day that I've known her she has blessed me in some way. She's the most amazing person to me. And I have no resources to give her anything back in return. Sure, she has my undying love and impossible-to-break friendship but she deserves so much more. And as I constantly struggle to describe what she means to me I fail each time. I just wish I could give her back even the smallest amount of joy that she gives me. She won't even be here for Christmas. In just a few short days she will be half a world away and I have nothing to give.

It isn't just Erin, of course. My boyfriend who I immensely love spoiling I can't. Every year at least $500 is spent on him. I do my best to get him whatever he wants and he has such a expensive taste for technology. He keeps talking about this phone he wants and although I know he isn't directing it at me, I want to cry each time he mentions it. I can't get it for him. I want to more than anything, but I can't.

Jacob is the man that I am in love with just slightly less than my boyfriend. He's more wonderful than I can describe and I am so glad that he's going to be the one who will forever take care of best friend. I don't even have the slightest clue as to what I would get him but the fact still remains that I can't get him anything either. I can't get my family anything. I can't get Jamie anything. I can't get Michael, or April, or Katrina, or Jeremy, or Thea and Vinny or Bryan or anyone. I can't get Chris' parents anything. I have nothing to offer anyone.

I know Christmas isn't about presents. I know that most everyone I mentioned isn't going to really care. But I can't just be okay with that. I can't just be fine with not getting anyone anything. And I feel even worse because I know that this year I'll have at least one gift from someone. I don't want anything. I just want to be able to give.

I try not to ask for a lot. My goal in life is to make others happy. There are few things that I really need. But right now I need something. I need to be allowed to sleep.

The past few days have been horrible. Filled with so much pain and a huge fear of the unknown. If it wasn't for my angel of a best friend I don't know where I would be. She gave me a bed. She gave me food. Most importantly she gave me her love and friendship. Two things that make me feel better above all else. But let's face it, she can't always be there to save me. And as comfortable as I am with her, I can't get myself to ask any more from her. But I just wish that my family would care about me just a little bit. I wish that for one second they would stop and think about me. All I want right now is my bed to sleep in. All I want right now is to listen to my doctors and not drive. All I want right now is to be able to rest in peace. To have someone hold my hand while I cry because I hurt so much. I just want them to love me.

But I get what I get. I have the couch once again. The TV is on, my dad is snoring, and there's nothing I can do. I have to wake up at 6 and take Marisa to school and then Anthony after that. I have to write a paper and drop it off at the high school so Marisa doesn't fail English. I have to help my stepdad with a garage sale. I have to bake cookies, and a cake. And then after all of that I need to go babysit. I just don't have that kind of strength. Not right now. I'm going to end up killing myself. But how can I just stop? How can I ignore everyone's demands?

I'm all drugged up right now. But it doesn't matter. I still hurt so much. I just need a break, please.

Sparks Fly

The way you move is like a full-on rainstorm, and I'm a house of cards. You're the kind of reckless that should send me running but I kinda know that I won't get far...Get me with those green eyes baby as the lights go down. Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around. 'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile...I'm on my guard for the rest of the world. But with you, I know it's no good...I'm captivated by you baby, like a fireworks show.

I sat across from him at dinner. I was focusing too much on my meal. In certain ways I had to. The room was spinning a little. My declining health is getting the best of me, though I try my hardest to put on a brave face. I looked up for a second and I caught him staring. I'm not sure he even realized it, but our eyes met and he smiled at me. I'm pretty sure I fell in love all over again.

Selfish

Yesterday morning I was sitting in a hospital bed cold and really wanting to stop crying. A small part of me was scared about the test results, a bigger part of me was sad because I was all alone, but most of me was just in pain. Not physical pain. No you see, that I can handle. I was in emotional torment. Heart broken. I felt as though my heart didn't even exist inside my chest. The excruciating pain where it should be was a horrible ache. I was no longer hysterical like I had been a few hours prior. I didn't have the energy to be. But I think sitting in the hospital by myself with tears slowly streaming down my face was worse. Because as simple as it was and how calm I seemed, I still had no control. I couldn't stop myself from feeling like I was the worst person on earth and didn't even realize it until two little words were spoken from someone I never thought would say it. My definition of self never included that description.

I'm not sure if I'm still having mini seizures but I keep blacking out for a few minutes. Almost as though I'm dreaming though I assume you wouldn't call them dreams. Nightmares. Vivid flashbacks. Imagined conversations that tear me apart. My mind is attacking me. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up in a panic. I feel so drained. I need to sleep. My brain has to rest in order for me to get better. But these feelings are too strong. This fear that has developed. This doubt that was never there. I just don't know what to do.

I kind of want to go back to the hospital. Beg them to put me in a self-induced coma. I need sleep. I need to stop remembering. I need to somehow, some way, get past all of this.

I need help.

If you're reading this please take the time to answer a single question. I'm not looking for pity or any unnecessary attention. Just honesty. Am I selfish?

Vulnerabilty

I never expect anyone to love me as much as I love them. I never expect anyone to be there as much as I will be or even am willing to be. I don't think anyone can care about me as I care about them. I don't think anyone can truly guarantee that they will never leave like I will. I highly doubt anyone has the ability to feel as much as I do for them. I'm not saying that I'm unloved, or not cared about. Not in the slightest. I do, however, feel like I'm taken for granted in certain ways. I feel like I'm put just below everyone else. This is a problem for a few reasons. Mostly though, it's because I feel so much. It's because a few chosen people hold my heart in the palms of their hands. I'm so sensitive to everything they do and feel. I feel like if I breathe incorrectly they'll notice and throw me away. I'm simply not seen anywhere close as to how I see them. I'm completely vulnerable to them. An open book willing to be read if they so choose. But so much of me doesn't want to be.

Running away would be easier. Building up walls would improve the situation. Doing everything possible to protect myself is what's best for me. Yet I can't get myself to. I keep moving in closer. But my efforts aren't seen. My situation is unknown. I feel like I'm setting myself up. I'm loading their guns. They're going to kill me. And I'm allowing them to.

I know there are times when I'm irrational. I know there are times when I don't see things clearly. But usually in the back of my mind I'm aware of it. Right now, all I feel is fear. And an overwhelming sense to flee.

Head spinning, vision blurring. That metallic taste in my mouth. Hands trembling, eyes twitching. Darkness quickly come. I can't do this again.

Prepare The Way

Yesterday evening I had to get away from the madness. The commotion in my house was just too much for me. So I did the only thing I could think of. I went to church.

I sat in silence for nearly an hour. I just sat in the pew and gazed at the altar. There wasn't another soul to be seen. I was just sitting in an empty church, the main lights were off and honestly I was really cold. But my heart felt warm. I felt love, and I felt at peace. I began to sing. No one was around so I thought why not. I began in a whisper and gradually I got louder. Not too loud, mind you, but loud enough that if you were behind me you in the pew you would be able to clearly hear me. I kept repeating "Prepare the way. Prepare the way. Prepare the way of the Lord." When I got to the part of the name "Jesus" I was flooded with joy. I felt as though deep inside my heart I was making room. I was pushing past all my dark emotions and fears and making room for my Savior.

At 7pm I had lector practice. I didn't have to move from my seat but eventually the lights were turned on and I was joined by my fellow lectors who will be proclaiming the Word this weekend. As we were going through the readings and discussing them I kept thinking how really in love I am with Sacred Scripture. I am so blessed to be involved in this ministry. I am able to use my voice to proclaim the Word of God. I'm going into my sixth year of doing so and to be honest, I get enough compliments to completely inflate my ego. But all glory goes to God. As much as I appreciate the kind words people say about me, I know that it is not by my own accord that I do well. I do not go up on Sunday's and show everyone a talent that I may have. No, I allow myself to be an instrument to God's Word. I proclaim His message. I am, at that moment, His voice. The compliments are not for me. They're for the graces God has bestowed on me. I had a speech problem in kindergarten and first grade. I got made fun of so much that I secluded myself and decided speaking wasn't worth it. That shyness is still with me, and when I get really nervous I still stutter. Yet Christ called me to be a lector. Unworthy am I of His love.

My night ended in bliss. A few hours after I left the church I went over to Erin's house to stay over. Through her I was once again reminded of how blessed I am. God is too good to me.

Lord, continue to guide me. Continue to allow me to see all the good things You do for me. Continue to open my heart. I love You more than anything.

"A voice of one crying out in the desert, Prepare the way of the Lord, make straight his paths" -Matthew 3:3

Hurt

I hurt myself today

to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
-Johnny Cash

Expectations

I'm not sure if I'm a natural born pessimist or if life experiences made me this way. But the glass is half empty over here. I go through life trying my best not to expect anything. If you expect things and they don't fall through you don't get disappointed. It's pretty much that simple. My boyfriend doesn't appreciate my outlook. Which is probably a good thing. He brings sunshine to my cloudy days. But this is me, you know? My thoughts linger around close to the ground. When things go well I can enjoy the happiness that comes with. But if my hopes are up and things go wrong, I don't take it very well. Too much pain. Too many thoughts that turn on me. So I rather protect myself. I rather not expect anything.

I told myself not to get my hopes up. I told myself to not make a big deal out of it. I told myself to not get excited. I told myself over and over and over again. But I failed. Miserably. From the very beginning even. I tried to push my emotions deep inside me. I tried to contain everything I felt. But I just couldn't help it. Years and years of buried down expectations came and bit me. They slapped me in the face. They took a hold of me and convinced me that it would be okay and then they slammed the door in my face. I can hear them laughing right now. When will you ever learn Steph? How stupid can you be?

I'm crying and I hurt. An insane amount. Why so much I don't even know. But I can't blame anyone. I blame myself. Blame myself for thinking that things would work out. Blame myself for being stupid enough to have hope. Expecting things doesn't do me a damn thing except make me feel like this.

Sinking.

I can't save the world. I'm not capable of helping everyone. I don't have the ability to make a significant positive difference to every one I meet. But those close to me? Those I love so much? Why can't I at the very least help them?

I'm picturing an ocean right now. An ocean with little ships all around one another. There's a pretty big problem though. They're all sinking and I've never learned how to swim.

I'm trying to figure out exactly what I'm feeling. I'm doing my best to pinpoint my emotions. Because everything I feel is conflicting. Thing is, I'm sinking too. But I don't want to be saved when I can't save any of you.

Best Friend.

I take those two words probably much more seriously than most. They carry much more weight for me. Too much perhaps. I don't like flinging it around. It's kind of funny but I think I'd probably rather abuse the words "I love you" more than the term "best friend".

I've only had one best friend before. The answer to my many, many prayers. It ended horribly, abruptly, and years later I still carry around the pain and confusion. I blame myself. For what, I'm not sure. But blaming myself comes natural and I had to have done something wrong. But alas, it's over. She's gone and I'm sure her life is better because of it.

To set the record completely straight, Chris is my very best friend. He's my everything and that's how it should be. No one but God comes before him. But right after him is this very special person. This wonderful individual that I can't even begin to express how much she means to me. She's someone I don't deserve, but I'll do anything not to lose. She's someone I felt like I needed from the day we first spoke. But for a while I honestly was scared to trust. I didn't want to open myself up to another person. I didn't want to label anyone those "forbidden words". Especially because she threw them around so lightly. Everyone was her "best friend" and I didn't understand that. I didn't understand how those words seemed not to mean anything. Sometimes it frustrated me. I'd find myself getting angry over it. But maybe it's just because I was jealous. Jealous of the freedom she had with the words. Jealous maybe even of the fact that I wasn't part of the term. Or even if I was that it didn't mean anything. But as the days grew and I began to know her better I found myself not caring. She could have all the best friends she wanted. She could use that term as many times as she wanted. That was her choice. All I knew is that I wanted her to be mine.

We were sitting outside of the Winnie the Pooh ride and gift shop at Disneyland. We had just taken a picture when she said the words for the first time. I didn't reply with what I wanted to. Instead I just was silent. I always wondered if she noticed, or even cared that I didn't say it back. But I couldn't get myself too. Because it scared me. Because I didn't really understand what she meant by them. Was I just one of the many? Probably. As much as I wanted to I couldn't just be okay with that. Not yet. My heart felt happy and hurt so much all at the same time. She doesn't know it, but I couldn't get it out of my head. It's so dumb but it consumed my thoughts. Memories flooded me and fear overtook me. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel.

I'm not sure why the heck I'm so complicated. Why I feel so much and put so much meaning into things. It really is unhealthy. But then that's why I don't trust people easily. And why once it's broken it'll be years and years before its even slightly fixed. Erin is not a replacement for Diana. It isn't like when Diana left I've been searching for someone else. I never wanted someone else. I didn't want to trust anyone like that again. But Erin did come into my life. Erin did fill something deep inside me. Erin did break through my walls. Erin did give me friendship that I didn't simply just want, but needed. I trust her and I want to. She's my best friend. And you know, I don't care if she throws that term around anymore. I don't have to be number one. Do I want to be? Of course! Hah. But I think that's only natural. The fact is I don't need to be. Where I stand doesn't effect where she does in my heart.

I've had a very bad day today health wise. Honestly, sitting here typing this causes me pain. My head hurts, my vision isn't great and I'm afraid that at any second I'll have another seizure. But I need to say all of this. When I stumbled my way to my door this afternoon feeling like I was going to drop dead I only wanted to be with two people. I wanted my boyfriend and I wanted my best friend. Chris came and was an angel for me but I still wanted to have Erin there. I couldn't just ask her though. I knew she was busy and I'm not capable of being that bold anyway. But to my amazement and surprise she brought up the subject to me. She asked to see me. And although I had to wait a few hours she came. And what's more she came with these:


Do you believe that? After every thing she did for me for my birthday she came to my house tonight with roses. And a cookie! Her presence was more than enough. Her presence will always be more than enough. But that fact that she does so much for me is just overwhelming. I don't deserve it, and for as long as I live I never will. But she's here anyway.

Just thinking about her never ceases to make me smile. There is still so much that I want to learn about her. There's so many memories that I want to make. I never want to lose her friendship. Never. But if I've learned anything from my life is that the future is uncertain. Forever doesn't always exist. So I'm grateful for every day I get to be her friend. I'm grateful for all the yesterdays, and today. I'm grateful for the prospect of tomorrow, and the hope I'm allowing myself to have for the years to come. I'm grateful for the very person Erin is. I'm grateful that I'm completely comfortable (and perhaps a little giddy) about calling her my best friend.

I love you Erin. Thank you.

A House that Built Me

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory

From the house that built me
-Miranda Lambert

I was talking to my cousin this morning and during our conversation he mentioned that our grandmother is thinking about selling her house. My whole body froze for a second. Immediately tears flooded my eyes. The idea of that house not being lived in by someone in our family just kills me. That tiny house in El Paso is the definition of home. I grew up there. We all did. Me, Frank, John, Natasha, and Chito. But even more than that, our parents. My dad, my Tia Lecha and Tia Stella, My Tio Rene and Tio Checho. My grandparents bought that house when they got married. My grandpa took his last breath there. Big parties with full on mariachis bands were thrown in the backyard. Christmas, Thanksgiving, and birthdays were celebrated in that house. All of us together enjoying each other. Every weekend during my childhood I was at my Grandma's. Frank, John and Natasha and I would all cram into the living room and have sleep overs. We'd talk for hours and just laugh until late into the night. Then when John and Frank would slip into sleep Natasha and I would stay up later and continue laughing and talking until usually Grandma would come out of her room and tell us to be quiet. Hah. My cousins and I created a club and we put on talent shows for our family. Every Sunday we'd play football across the street from the house in the parking lot of a church. We had a war once with the kids across the alleyway in the house behind us. Whenever we were sad or needed time alone we would climb up on the roof and just sit and think. I always thought it was amazing that you could literally see Mexico from the roof. This house holds so many memories. Not just for me, but all of us.

When I left for Arizona in the 6th grade for the final time this was the place where I said my last goodbyes. The hardest part was driving away from this house and seeing all my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandma crying on the lawn. Every time I visit I come here. That house on Sacramento is my home. I don't want to live without it.

Change

On this beautiful Wednesday before Thanksgiving I sit once again at my computer desk, just thinking. In reality this is probably the only place in the house I can really call my own. This tiny little space that is so inconveniently placed in the hallway. The bathroom door is behind me, and three bedrooms are no more than 10 feet away. One bedroom is less than a foot from me. But alas, this is what I have.

My desk is right next to this. My pathetic little book shelf that cries for more books. Two picture frames that I have no idea what to put in. Half the time the shelf is covered with various items my family decides to place there. I get extremely annoyed with that fact, actually. But what can you do? Respecting space and personal property is apparently something foreign here.

I have a bit of an embarrassing...medical condition? I suppose we can call it that. It causes me a lot of pain and I will probably need surgery. But that requires certain things I'm not willing to ask for. So I'll live with the pain. I really don't mind. It's not like it's life threatening. I can take it. Saying that makes me wonder though. I put up with a lot and really, other than on here, I don't complain. Ninety nine percent of the people I know have no idea what I face day in and day out. I kind of like it that way. Yes, there are times I want people to listen. There are times when I feel alone. But really, I have people. I have Chris. I have Erin. I have Jacob. I even have Jamie, if I needed to resort to calling her up and disturbing her (Yes Jamie, I know that's not how you'd see it). They're my support system and the best friends I could ever ask for. It's my insecurities that lead me to shy away. Not accept their help. That's all me, and I take responsibility. I'm learning. Each and every day. Chris gets the brunt of it all. Erin gets a good portion that perhaps unfortunately for her is steadily increasing. Jacob is my sweetheart who reassures me more than I think he comprehends. Jamie, although states away, gives me peace by just the realization that we're still friends. Words don't need to be spoken with her. I know she thinks about me and is always there. But even though I have all of this support it isn't enough. Not by their own fault, of course. Once again, it's me. I've been in denial of certain things. I haven't taken responsibility for who I'm becoming. I need their help, yes. But I need to buckle down and get to work.

For someone who is so unsure about herself I have a lot of confidence in particular areas. For one, I know I can do anything. Not because I'm smart or talented but because I'm extremely stubborn and I have a great work ethic. But for maybe even as long as a year I've been consumed by questions, fear, and guilt. I've allowed myself to dig a hole and just sit in it. That isn't me. I don't just sit. I've been speaking about being restless but what am I doing? Nothing. I need a change. I quit my job because I needed a change but then I did nothing. I made excuses. I got in a bad situation and had a meltdown. But then what Steph? Exactly what am I waiting for? I'm not even just talking about getting a job. There are so many areas where I'm just sitting and waiting. When did I become that person? When did I stop fighting for what I wanted and raising a fair amount of hell in the process? I need a change. Even if it requires me to pack my bags and leave, I need a change.

Now. Not later.

Words Unspoken

I have so much to say. Seriously. I think I may just burst. How inconvenient it is that no one is awake for me to talk to. How frustrating it is that even if there was I doubt I would know where to start. But I need to talk to someone. I have a desire to answer questions. To explain myself in every matter. To describe events. To express emotions and intimate feelings. I want to share my dreams, my wants, my desires. I want to convey my fears, my insecurities and my shortcomings. I want to leave nothing unsaid. I want someone to know me. All of me. Know everything I've ever done. Know the reasons why I am who I am. I want to let someone know how I feel at this exact moment. I want someone to be interested in my well-being. But how could I ask that from any single person? Who has the time? Who has the desire?

When I was 13 I wanted to write a book. So I started writing. I wrote over 100 pages but I deleted most of it in a spurt of anger. Sometimes I regret it. It said so much. But oh well. I can never get it back. I kept some of it. Two pieces. Here's a part of one:

The rain splattered to the ground. The trees trembled as God's gentle whisper blew through their leaves. Lightning struck, thunder rumbled, as the tears from heaven fell harder to the ground. I stood outside my front door staring at the wonder that stood before my eyes, felt His whisper caress my face. The beauty of a summer storm embraced me warmly. I felt a sensation inside; I wanted to break away. I wanted to leave the life I had and flow as easily as the storm did. I wanted to cry; cry until somebody answered. I wanted to scream; scream until someone heard. I wanted to smile, but my heart would not let me. I wanted to be the rain and the thunder; I wasn't. I stepped into the storm, sorrowed, knowing this was the only way I could be part of it. I walked away from the prison I call a home, walked away from the life I had, dreading my return.

Mind you I was only 13. It's no masterpiece. But they're words that still have meaning for me today. Eight years later and really, how different am I from that kid who went home every single day from school and took out a knife and used it on my skin? Vastly, actually. But at the same time, not too much. I still want to cry. I still want to scream. I still want to smile. I still want to break away.

Waiting

I've been trying to just sleep in order to pass the time. I'm not sure what I'm expecting. All I know is that there is a huge hole in my heart and it makes it hard to even stand. Sleep isn't working. I close my eyes and my thoughts overwhelm me. Different scenarios keep playing in my head. None of them end well. Is it just my pessimistic attitude or the reality of the situation?

I think I'm hungry. But I don't want to eat.

I need some sort of distraction. No. I need answers. Even though I'm terrified of what they may be.

What am I supposed to do when there's no one to turn to? How am I supposed to deal when I'm hurting more than I can tolerate? Tell me, how am I able to calm myself down enough to stop crying when there's still so much inside me? I need to be comforted. I need to be held. I need to be told that I'm not crazy. I'm not being irrational. That this fear is real. But how can I go to anyone? Especially right now.

Jamie, I wish I could see you.

Anxious.

I feel extremely restless. I can't seem to sit still. My mind keeps wandering to extremely weird things. And my dreams? I've never had such vivid dreams in my life. I wake up and I remember everything. Smells, feelings, expressions, words. Nothing especially profound happens but I wake up and I can't get the thoughts out of my head. It's more like I just experienced a day filled with countless events rather than just waking up from a dream.

Going into this weekend I feel extremely anxious. I can't help myself. I feel like I need to protect someone. Station myself outside the door and hide. I just want everything to be okay. I don't want there to be any pain. But if there is. If there's a single moment where I'm needed I want to be there. I just don't think there's anything I can really do. I hate that.

I want to do something. I wish I lived closer to the mountains. I'd love to go on a hike. I want to go camping, actually. My first and only time was amazing but it seriously is one of those things that I've just been dying to do again for years.

I need a job.

21

Today I turned 21 years old. And I realized that although I have very few close friends, they spoil me rotten. It, however, has nothing to do with anything materialistic that they gave me. No, the greatest gifts I received were expressed to me in words.

I want to start off with my best friend, Erin Laura Rebello. I haven't known Erin for too long. We've been really good friends for a little less than two years. When I first met Erin something actually scared me about her. I was scared because I was drawn to her. We'd talk and I found myself wanting to spend more time with her. I wanted to get to know her. I wanted to be friends. And that's absolutely terrifying to me. I felt comfortable with her and so much of me wanted to run away and hide. Regardless if it's a bad thing or not, I'm a victim of my past. I carry around certain things like they're part of my skin. The pain Diana caused me has never been surmounted. And honestly, it still hasn't even healed. But for me I only felt like Jamie could be the only female I trusted completely. She, after all, had never done anything to hurt me or betray me. But then Erin came into my life and she slowly filled a part of me that I thought would forever be empty. And today, she filled it completely and then proceeded to overfill it with the love and friendship she's given me. For my birthday she decorated my truck and wrote in chalk all around it. But the best thing was this:
Inside each of these 21 balloons was a reason why she loved me. Twenty one of the kindest statements that someone has ever given me. And if that wasn't enough she gave me a card later that was filled with beautiful words that made me want to cry for all the right reasons. I love you Erin. Thank you.

Next there was my beautiful and wonderful Jamie Ann Welch-Jaro. Everything she writes to me or says to me has always gone straight into my heart where it's kept safe forever. But a three-paged birthday letter from her was more than enough to get me on my knees and thank God for the blessing He has given me through her friendship. Holding those papers in my hands and seeing her lovely handwriting made me feel like I was close to her. As though she was sitting right next to me, holding my hand and talking to me. I love that she loves me so. I love that she took time out of her day to sit down and write to me. My most precious and beautiful friend, I adore you. Thank you for all that you do, even though you're far away.

Marisa Crystal Ann Gonzalez you're the most beautiful and precious little sister I could ever ask for. I love that in these recent years we've grown into being friends. You're 16 and drop-dead gorgeous and I love you so much. You wrote me a letter that was unbelievably heartfelt. I don't deserve the nice things you said about me, or the way you look up to me, but I will always do my best to never let you down. I love you with all my heart.

Jacob Adam Lane, you're my sexy man who I secretly want forever. If I could have a best man at my wedding it would be you. What you wrote on the single space in the card that Erin left you was sweet. I don't need a lot of words from you to tell me that you care. The amount of times you've been there for me is enough. But perhaps the greatest thing you did for me today was telling me happy birthday and hugging me goodbye when you left the restaurant today. You were so sick and I felt awful that you were feeling so bad but the fact that despite the way you felt you still came means so much to me. I love you Jacob. So much.

Michael Ryan Gray I don't think it's a coincidence that the gift you gave me involved music. It's been such an important part of our friendship. No matter what I will always love you. Difficulties and all. Thank you for taking time and being open enough so that I could share with you just a piece of my musical taste. I appreciate the no complaints, and the comment about my voice. Your string of lights will always shine bright to me.

And of course, the most important person to me and the love of my life, Christopher Michael LaVoy. You got me a handful of amazing material presents. But the best present you gave me today was a note you wrote to me on receipt paper. I swear to you that each and every day you give me another reason to fall in love with you all over again. You just being you is the greatest gift in my life. Period. Not just on my birthday. I love you with everything I am and I always will.

Thank you all for making me feel special on this day.

Emotion Overload

My hands are shaking and I feel like I need to throw up. Tears keep filling my eyes and I have to use all my energy to keep them from falling. Underneath my chin are burst blood vessels that I can only contribute to the stress that I feel. It's hard to stand. I'm not sure I know what to do anymore.

My best friend is in pain and I can't do a damn thing to make anything feel better for her. My other friend just lost his job and it isn't fair that he has to add this to his plate. And here I am just wanting to help them so much but I'm useless. More so I have no strength to. I'm having trouble breathing. I should probably go lay down but I need to get something out. Anything. I don't have a room where I can just go in and cry. I have nothing.

I'm not even sure what the hell is wrong with me. I don't understand what is going on. I know I haven't been able to release completely everything I've felt for the past month or more and it just keeps adding up but get a grip Steph. I'm tired of falling and having no one there to catch me.

Do you know what's even more pathetic? I'm being selfish and stupid because I feel like no one cares that my birthday is on Wednesday. I mean seriously. I hate my birthday. I hate people making a big deal about me. But here I am feeling all hurt because I feel like no one cares. For freaking 20 years I've been telling people to forget about it. It's just another day. But here I am at my 21st crying because I don't think anyone will do a single thing to make me feel special. What is wrong with me? Have I lost so much control that I'm seriously crying for some damn attention? And then to top it off, because my brain works only this way, the three people who actually read this stupid thing will read this and may feel like they need to do something. And if they do I'm going to think it's because I said something not because they actually want to. I'm screwed up. I really am.

You would think that after receiving an answer that I've been waiting for, for years would make me in a better mood. But I'm so overwhelmed with everything that I can't find time to really appreciate it. I still hurt so much. I still have so much inside me that wants to burst. I need to go somewhere and cry and cry and cry. But I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of being alone. I want to cry and have someone hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. But I'm not going to go ask anyone for anything. Especially because the only people I'm comfortable with have their own problems to deal with. They don't have time to worry about me. They shouldn't have to worry about me. It isn't fair.

Tomorrow, after school, I think I may go somewhere. Go hide. If I didn't have this deep hate for alcohol I would probably hide until midnight and then make my way to a bar and drink myself into oblivion.

Bigger than Me

I've never felt so much emotion in just three days before. And that's saying a lot. I held a whole lot in. More than I could really bear. I had to. This retreat was not about me. It was about the teens. Yet I may have learned the biggest lessons.

To say that I didn't want to go on this retreat would be an understatement. I've never felt more pathetically useless in my life. My whole world outside of church was already weighing me down so much. To top everything off I felt like there was nothing I could do this weekend. Everything had been going wrong for me. My only opportunity to really reach out I felt was my talk. But I wasn't allowed to do my talk if I mentioned suicide and so I made the decision to not say it. I had no choice really. Without it my talk lacked the meaning that I desperately wanted to express. But it was more than just my talk. I felt like my role on this retreat was minimal at best. I didn't feel like anything I could do would positively influence the program. I was just there because I was expected to be.

When the teens showed up my heart opened up a little bit. It wasn't that I felt like I suddenly could make some difference. I just simply loves those teens with all my heart and being with them gives me peace. Because of them part of me did want to be there. And not that I wouldn't have either way, but so I gave my best. They deserve nothing less.

I don't have enough energy or the right words to retell how every little thing impacted me. Because every little thing did impact me. Adoration, as always, hit me the hardest. I was seconds away from becoming completely hysterical but I reeled myself in, hard as that was. And even so afterward I felt this need to let go. It was exhausting trying to contain every thing I felt. During the night I kept having moments where I would lose control and I'd find myself with tears uncontrollably rolling down my face and my body racking with sobs. I cried in the dark just wanting someone to hold me and tell me it was okay to cry.

This morning when I woke up from the mere two hours of sleep I was able to get I felt drained and worn out in every way possible. My emotions kept creeping in on me and I began to wonder still why I came. Then as I was in the car with Chris driving home reading the affirmation letters that the teens and my fellow Core members gave me everything hit home. I want to share one that a teen gave me that made me completely realize why I am on this earth. Why I needed to survive everything I've been through. Why my life has meaning.

"Dear Stephanie,
I appreciate and thank you for all the time you spent with the group and I. I truly love you and your personality. You were very open with us. I felt comfortable and welcomed with you. You are a great joy to be around and I really hope I get to see you again. To me, you are a great role model and truly give me confidence in myself and how I look at things. You really made me change. I know I was sort of forced on this trip but you made me make the best out of it. You are a true blessing. Thank you again for the time you spent with us. Thank you so much."

Similar words were expressed to me in nearly every letter I received. I don't know how, or when, or really why but I made a difference. By just being the very person that I am I helped. God gave me something. I don't understand it exactly but He gave me something. I can make a difference. I'm supposed to do this. For the rest of my life.

God is so much bigger than all my pain. He's bigger than all my sins. He's bigger than my emotions and insecurities. His love for me overshadows everything. My prayer for so long is that my deepest desire is to know, love and serve God to the bet of my ability. I just needed Him to show me a way to do that.

Thank you Lord for showing me. Thank you for all those beautiful teenagers. Thank you for making my life worth living for.

Sometimes I wish there was private option on this thing. A way that I could express myself fully without everyone being able to read it. Not that I have anything to hide. I just sometimes rather keep things to myself without actually keeping things in. Does that make sense? I'm not sure if it does. Everything is kind of cloudy.

I seriously can't believe I'm not looking forward to this weekend. I have no desire to go. I'm not needed anyway. And everything seems to be going wrong already.

If this is some kind of test I think I may be failing. I'm in too much pain right now to really put up much of a fight.

I really want to talk to someone. Or right now, cry to someone.

Scratched

We have a retreat coming up this weekend and I was asked to do a talk on abusing a gift. Only one thing came to mind and so I wrote about it. It was easy and it came natural. I'm not saying it was a masterpiece but I think it had a good message. Father Greg, however, thought that a single event in the talk would distract the teens from the message. I disagree completely. I believe that saying that is underestimating their intelligence and their faith. I think my story would have an impact on my teens and help them in their journey. But I refuse to say my talk without saying all of it. It's my testimony. The entire thing. Not bits and pieces of it. So, I'm scratched out. I think it's a mistake but it isn't my call. So since I can't say it aloud, this is the best I can do:

To say that I regret anything from my past would be incorrect. I’m a human being and because of that I have fallen. Many times. But my mistakes are so much more than tally marks on the blackboard of life. They’re not a composite of years that I’ve earned in purgatory. My mistakes are an important aspect of the very person that I am today. So in a way, I’m grateful.

Junior high and high school were not the best days of my life. To whoever said they’re supposed to be, well I hope they’re wrong. Those days for me were dark and confusing. In a constant struggle to figure out who I was supposed to be I got extremely lost. All my life I’ve never had many friends. It wasn’t that I wasn’t liked; I just didn’t know how to socialize with those around me. I tried to fill my days with sport practices, games, and homework in order to take my mind off the emptiness I felt inside me. But each night when I laid myself to sleep I found myself crying. Nothing helped the loneliness and desperation that was consuming my every thought.

When I was 14 years old I found my faith. That in itself was a battle but I made my way to the Catholic Church and there I found a home. After that moment I thought my life would change. I had Jesus now, didn’t I? Why wouldn’t life get better? And for a few months things were better. I turned 15 and began high school and I was certain my life was going to change. I began getting involved with my youth group and going through Confirmation classes. I prayed more, I actually had friends, I fell in love for the first time and things were great. But those “good time” feelings were only temporary. I was in a relationship with a boy that for years I tried desperately to justify. I wanted to be loved so badly that I ignored all the red flags that were going up all around me. I got to a point where all I ever felt was pain. I couldn’t look in the mirror because all I saw was someone that wasn’t worth anything. So one night after I had gotten into a huge fight with my mom, my boyfriend, and had to say goodbye to a friend I gave up. I found every pill bottle I could find in my house and poured myself a glass of water and said goodbye. One hundred and eighty-two pills later I cried myself to sleep for what I prayed to God to be the last time.

To this day I’m still not quite sure how they found me. All I remember is waking up but feeling like I was dreaming. There were paramedics around me asking me questions but I couldn’t hear them. I kept trying to close my eyes but they wouldn’t let me. They picked me up and laid me on a stretcher and carried me downstairs and out the front door. I remember getting sick all of a sudden and leaning off the stretcher to throw up near a flower pot outside my front door. The paramedics said some other things but the only words I heard were “pill fragments”. Then my world went dark again.

A week later I was released from the hospital. The night I came in I had to have my stomach pumped. The doctors told me that the only reason I didn’t die was because I actually took too many pills. My body couldn’t digest them all and that’s why I began throwing up. Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was. I didn’t feel lucky though. After all, what had I accomplished? I managed to miss a week of school, great. All my problems were still there. I still just longed for everything to end.

The same night I got out of the hospital there was a penance service at church. I had no intention on going but I was riding my bike around the neighborhood and I just found myself riding toward the church. I didn’t really want to be home so I figured I could just go. I didn’t have to talk to anyone. I would just sit there.

When I got into church it was pretty crowded. There were priests in every corner and parishioners standing in line waiting their turn to confess their sins. I made my way to a pew and just sat there, thinking. My gaze made its way to the crucifix on the altar. I looked at Jesus nailed to the cross and before I knew it I was crying. At first I didn’t understand why. But the more I looked at that Man with His hands outstretched for me in a complete surrender of love the more I began to realize what I had done. God gave me life, the most precious gift, and I tried so hard to throw it away. I made my way to a priest and I sobbed to him the sins that I had committed. When I was done he grabbed me by my hand and looked into my eyes and said these words, “Jesus thinks you’re beautiful. Don’t ever forget that” and then he absolved me. I cried the whole bike ride home but not because I was sad. I cried because, for a reason to this day I still do not understand, Jesus saved my life. I’m meant for something more than I realized.

In Isaiah 41:13 it says: For I am the Lord, your God, who grasp your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I will help you”. That night during confession God literally grabbed my hand. I can tell you with utmost confidence that He has never let go. I would be lying to you if I said that since that moment everything has been perfect. It would be dishonest for me to say that at nearly 21 I have everything figured out. Because I don’t, and life is still so very hard. I still fall every single day. The difference now is I know that I’m not alone. I know I’m forgiven, and I know that I’m loved.